


하나둘

by Malaikah



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, College, Coming of Age, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 20:07:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16025075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malaikah/pseuds/Malaikah
Summary: Poems in order of use:Azaleas-Kim So Wol (진달래꽃 김소월)The Self-portrait- Seo Jung Ju (자화상/서정주)Beside a Chrysanthemum- Seo Jeong Ju (국화 옆에서/서정주)The Word of the Wind- Mah Jong Gi (바람의 말 /마종기)An Unexpected Briskness- Lee Seong Bu (어느 사이 속보速步가 되어)Flowers beyond Borders- Noh Hyang Rim (꽃들은 경계를 넘어간다/ 노향림)Flowers That Bloom When Shaken- Do Jong Hwan (흔들리며 피는 꽃/도종환)Winter. Snow. Tree. Forest- Ki Hyung Do (겨울·눈(雪)·나무·숲/기형도)Submission- Han Yong Un (복종/한 용운)Flower- Kim Chun Su (꽃/김 춘수)Flowers- Chung Ho Seung(꽃/ 정호승)(Poems were edited)You can come yell at mehereif needed.





	1. Yellow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [icyhotbroccoli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icyhotbroccoli/gifts).



  
  


_"Do you know numbers?" his hyung asks him._

_Baekhyun curiously looks at his friend, "I'm six. Of course I know my numbers."_

_"Not that, the game!" Minseok laughs, making Baekhyun pout because he didn't know something his hyung knew._

_"There's a game?" he asks nervously. He stops rocking on his backyard swing._

_Minseok grins and grabs his hands, pulling him to sit on the grass. "It's a hand game," he explains, showing him the movements, "every time you reach this part you count higher until you reach twenty. If you're really good you can keep going faster and faster."_

_"I'm not sure I get it." Baekhyun shakes his head, fringe sweeping into his eyes._

_"Here, let's practice," Minseok says, guiding his hands, "you can count right? So you can keep track of it."_

_Baekhyun blows his hair out of his eyes and holds his hands out awkwardly. “Like this?”_

_Minseok nods encouragingly, patiently practising the movements with him. He tilts his head at Baekhyun, “Do you think you’ve gotten it now?”_

_Baekhyun nods, face scrunched in concentration, “Yes! Let’s start playing.”_

_Minseok smiles at him as they clap their hands together. “You’re forgetting to count!” he laughs at Baekhyun._

_Baek pouts, but quickly amends, “Sorry! Let’s start again. Ready hyung? Hana….dul….”_

 

  


Baekhyun has always loved Minseok. He is his smartest hyung who always played with Baekhyun even when they went to different schools. Even if Minseok was older and had other friends, he looked out for Baekhyun. When Baekhyun turned twelve, Minseok bought him a turtle before his first day of junior high school, who he named Biscuit because that was the tin he got him in. 

When he failed math in eleventh year, it was Minseok who came over and dropped his senior sized bag on the floor before ruffling his hair, giving Biscuit a strawberry, and settling on his bed with a, "what do you need?"

It was Minseok, he recalls, who tried to dissuade him from joining the soccer team but coached him before tryouts anyway, the night before the first of his final exams. Minseok missed his A in history by 0.8% but didn't even complain when Baekhyun told him two months later that the football training was too rough and his teammates weren't very nice.

"They're not good people," Minseok had told him with a yawn, and Baekhyun, almost slapping himself, insisted Minseok go rest before his SATs.  
"I got into Seoul National. Baek, I did it! I got into the top college in Korea. I can't believe this."

"Congratulations, Minseok. You worked so hard."

"Baek...what's wrong?"

"Biscuit died."

"I'll be right over."

It was Minseok's idea to bury him in the backyard behind the swings, that way he could always see Baekhyun when he swung over him. He'd have a pretty good view of the sky. It was Minseok who troweled out the soil while a grown ass Baekhyun cried over a bloody turtle, his most prized gift from Minseok, who would be leaving for Seoul in two months.

It was Minseok that called every Thursday at 7 pm like clockwork, just to check in on Baekhyun and ask him if he'd decided his career direction, or how he felt. He hardly talked about himself unless Baekhyun insisted, "my life is boring hyung, tell me about uni." And then Minseok would begin talking so animatedly, Baekhyun, for once, would listen without interrupting.

It was Minseok he thought about when filling out his career options, listing doctor, veterinarian and lab technician in that order. His grades wouldn't allow that, but he wrote it anyway.

It was Minseok he thought about when he had his first kiss with Im Yoona out by the school almond trees. It was Minseok he thought about again when he kissed Park Chanyeol. It was still Minseok no matter who he kissed, because Baekhyun, Baekhyun has always loved Minseok.

 

 

 

"And did you unpack the rice cooker?"

"You unpacked the rice cooker mom," Baekhyun whined into the phone, "you spent 3 minutes trying to find the correct spot for it on the counter."

"Let the boy live," he hears his dad tell her, "we only left fifteen minutes ago."

"He's never lived on his own-" she whispers furiously to him.

"Dad's right mom, let me live. I'm in university, not a different country."

"I just need to make sure you're alright,"

"It's been fifteen minutes," he hears his father remind her and looks down when his phone beeps.

"Got to go mom, Minseok is calling,"

"Ok, but-"

"Yes, I'll call you if anything happens," Baekhyun rolls his eyes. 

"And-"

"I'll be careful, love you."

By some small miracle he'd managed to get into a decent program at an even more decent private university in Seoul, and by a large miracle, his dad decided to fund his living off campus. It was only a 30-minute train ride to Konkuk University, and after dealing with himself for years, he'd figured the small train ride would provide an opportunity for any last minute studying.

He switches the calls, answering with a soft, "Hey."

"I just finished my shift, do you still need help moving in?" Minseok, who was so brilliant at school, had been hired as an assistant lab technician at Seoul National.

Baekhyun looks around his meticulously arranged apartment courtesy of his mother's obsessiveness and for once considers lying.

"Nah, I'm alright," he sighs into his phone instead, "you should head back to your place and get some rest."

"I can still stop by? I've got late classes tomorrow."

"You might take hours to get here," Baekhyun insists, flopping on his couch and covering his eyes. Did he have early classes tomorrow? He doesn't remember.

"Send me the address?"

"You don't really have to-"

"Baek."

"Fine," Baekhyun concedes, sending him the address.

There's a rustle and a change in quality as Minseok puts him on speaker to check the notification. 

"Baek," he sighs into the phone. Baekhyun waits to hear him say it, that he'll just turn in for the night because his campus is like an hour away and he can't be bothered to take a train here right before the semester is about to begin.

"You live like a 20-minute walk away from me, it's 7 minutes by train."

"No way," Baekhyun squawks, cursing his outburst, although his embarrassment is worth it when he hears Minseok giggle into the phone.

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm already on my way back, should be there in half an hour."

"Okay."

Minseok hangs up, and he sinks into his couch, feeling a huge mess of feelings sit in his chest, especially for tomorrow (maybe some for Minseok).

He's so lost in thought, in fact, that he jumps when he hears a knock on his door and a tentative, "Baek?" Before bolting upright and swinging the door open to a grinning Minseok. It's not fully autumn yet, but he's in a beanie and his cheeks look flushed, and Baekhyun can't help the dumb smile on his face.

"You're here! Who let you in?"

"I told you I was coming," Minseok says with a raised eyebrow, brushing past him easily and setting a bag down on the small coffee table. "I was surprised, they just let me waltz right in."

"It's that charm of yours," Baekhyun chides playfully, hoping it hides his blush. "Did you pick up my door lady from the floor?" Minseok could get away with anything, in his opinion. Including the way strands of his hair fell into his face. Maybe, especially because of that. He looks away and reminds himself not to stare.

"You're funny," Minseok sneers, "But I caught her when she swooned." Baekhyun rolls his eyes and helps him take his coat off. He smells faintly of sweat and musk, and Baekhyun feels a little dizzy.

"This is a nice place," Minseok whistles, settling on the couch and pulling off his sweater and beanie. His hair sticks up in every direction, and Baekhyun finds it endearing. He puts the coat on his mom's coat rack—for guests—and just stares at Minseok transfixed.

"Well, don't just stand there! Come sit," Minseok mumbles, pulling out the contents of the bag.

Baekhyun shuts the door and sits haphazardly next to him, "what did you bring?"

"Beer," Minseok says mischievously, "the perks of being 21."

"Oh no." Baekhyun is shit at drinking, and his tongue is so loose when he's drunk. He shouldn't drink around Minseok—he can't.

"You seem tense," Minseok frowns, pulling a can out and pushing it into his hands, "you're really worried about uni huh?"

"Yeah." Baekhyun forces a chuckle, sipping the bitter liquid. It tastes bad but it's cold, and Minseok puts his own down in record time.

"Wanna order chicken and talk about it?" Minseok says, already dialling the delivery. Baekhyun shrugs awkwardly, watching Minseok place an order with a smile. 

It may have been about a year, but Minseok still takes care of him.

  
  
  



	2. Pink

  
  


The only reason Baekhyun is awake is because 6 alarms went off on his phone in succession to wake him up at 9 o'clock for his 10 o'clock morning lecture. The "Wake Up Baby~ Minnie Hyung" on his phone was indicative of the perpetrator. Baekhyun chuckles when he thinks of Minseok last night, coaching him through the introductions of each class and rearranging everything in his study area by size and colour.

"You don't see the book's name when you're in a rush," he advised, "you just remember the big green one." He then added alarms for each of Baekhyun's classes and a complementary period of study after each one. All this after finishing five beers of the six-pack while Baekhyun lay sprawled on the couch and gurgled out a, "You're the best hyung."

His chuckle tapers off to a dumb grin, and he bites his lip and shoves his heated face into his pillow. Regardless of his compulsions, Minseok looked perfect rearranging his apartment after his mother had done the same only hours earlier. The way his hair fell in his face while he paced back and forth, Baekhyun watching him, trying to absorb every detail of his breathing, his gait and his beautiful eyes since he saw him last Christmas.

In fact, he was in a much better mood than he would have anticip- 

"Just In case~ Minnie Hyung" displays the other alarm, and Baekhyun grins despite the blaring in his ears. How Minseok does it, he doesn't know. 

 

  


 

His first day goes about as good as he imagines—horribly. He misses the train that leaves earlier once its full—he didn't know they do that. Reaches 45 minutes later to his first lecture because he failed to get the early train and got lost until an upperclassman saw him and took pity on him, explaining the layout of the school and giving him a map.

The professor looks uninterested and just waves an attendance sheet at him when he enters. He's thoroughly lost by the end, but he's settled a little until he realises he's scheduled an immediate class that's on the other side of the campus. He sprints to that too and this time the professor is pissed and scowls at him the entire time. A look at his schedule tells him that his classes run like this until 6:00 pm. He probably should have paid attention to these things.

 

  


 

"Hey baby, how was your first day?"

Baekhyun hated the nickname when he was younger, but now it sends a spike of warmth through him.

"Not good? I have a bunch of horribly scheduled classes. I ran more today than I ever ran in my life."

"It's a good thing I'm standing outside with a pizza then,"

Baekhyun opens the door in only his underwear, and seriously jumps when he sees Minseok standing there.

"You're here with pizza? Why?" he says into the phone. Minseok just shakes his head and ends his own call. 

"People need food to survive, loser," Minseok says, tapping Baekhyun's forehead and successfully pushing him aside. 

"Quit gaping and shut the door, I'm cold." 

Baekhyun springs into action and shuts the door, locating a shirt and shoving himself in it, and is at Minseok's side in time to receive a slice of pizza and a beautiful smile.

"When I saw your schedule yesterday, I thought you'd need some help arranging it," Minseok tells him as he chews. Baekhyun is so in love, and Minseok just makes it worse.

 

  


 

He helps him re-register all of his classes to better times (nothing too early, or back to back) and coaches him to start all his project outlines. Thankfully, Minseok doesn't mention anything about Baekhyun's Language and Literature Degree. But despite being a science major, Minseok still seems to have a better understanding of Baekhyun's material than he does.

"You're so smart hyung," he groans into his pillow as Minseok flips through his textbook and marks off a chapter on Hanja.

"I'm not smart, I'm just old," Minseok replies.

"You're just two years older than me," Baekhyun pouts.

"But you're cuter, baby," Minseok says, with affection. It's nonchalant, but Baek's heart flutters.

 

  


 

Wednesday becomes their day to hang out. Firstly, because Minseok only has work until 11 am, and Baekhyun has class until 4 pm, but this lecturer sometimes lets them out early. The second reason is that Baekhyun can't run a 7-day-week without seeing Minseok's face. He knows it's kinda pathetic, but Minseok is in his apartment almost every day anyway. It's just that Wednesday is date night, meaning they don't only do homework. And date night means going out to eat, or going to a party, or cuddling for a movie. And Baekhyun is more down for any of those things than he'd admit out loud.

He realises he's missed a lot of Minseok's habits and idiosyncrasies in the time he's spent back home. Minseok has the magnificent ability to adjust himself to any lifestyle but stubborn enough to keep things his way, exactly how he likes them. He still obsesses about the little things, kind of like Baekhyun's mom, and he does everything with a practiced ease that only a man of experience and trial and error can. The only thing Minseok does recklessly is drink. Whenever they hang out, Minseok will polish off the alcohol before Baekhyun can even get a sip in. 

Baekhyun wouldn't call him an alcoholic, but the boy sure put it down. And he would object, but tipsy Minseok was drowsy Minseok, and drowsy Minseok loved skinship. Baekhyun would always scold him, being the stubborn one, and Minseok would mumble something along the lines of, "Let me live while I am young." He would then cuddle Baekhyun so tightly he would go soft.

Minseok comes over on a Thursday evening already tipsy, enters the apartment code and saunters in, and Baekhyun looks up from the poetry he's reading. Minseok heads straight for the fridge and the beer he has stashed there, and Baekhyun groans because it's a school night.

"Do you have, like, something going on?" Baekhyun says, getting up and stretching. "Nope," Minseok replies happily, sipping the froth from the can, "I'm celebrating. I finished my lab, my tutorials and a report for the next two weeks." 

"I'm behind on my readings," Baekhyun slouches on the couch, and Minseok squeezes his knee. "I'm in the mood for convoluted modern poetry," he says, giving Baekhyun a small smile. Baekhyun shakes out a laugh, "Then read it and explain it to me."

"Mhm-mhm, Read it out loud to me," Minseok shifts as he settles in comfortably, "Like you used to with your Tarzan book."

Baekhyun gulps uncomfortably, he knows exactly what Minseok is talking about. "You mean act it out? We were little then, I haven't done that in years." He gets up to walk back to his desk and Minseok laughs, loud and high. Baekhyun looks at him with a raised brow, and Minseok looks at his beer. "Chicken," he says quietly.

Baekhyun sulks at him, "I'm not-"

"Then prove it," Minseok says, propping his legs on the coffee table, "entertain me." Baekhyun inhales sharply and shakes his head, flooded with the embarrassing thoughts of his live action renditions of his Disney storybooks.

"I knew it," Minseok cackles. Baekhyun aggressively grabs his textbook and stands in front of Minseok. The older is smiling into his beer, expression teasing. 

"When you go away, sick of seeing me-"

"Actions!" Minseok booms, giggling when Baekhyun gets flustered. 

"When you go away," Baekhyun waves his arm vaguely, "Sick of seeing me" he mimes gagging, "I shall let you go gently, no words," Baekhyun twirls, slapping a hand over his mouth.

"From Mount Yak in Yongbyon." Baekhyun flails around wildly, lifting his arms in the air. "An armful of azaleas." He flexes, and Minseok lets out an adorable laugh. He sprinkles like Salt Bae. "I shall gather and scatter on your path." And walks like the pink panther. "Step by step away." He throws himself on the floor. "On the flowers lying before you, tread softly, deeply and go." He dramatically dies then rises and bows.

Minseok claps and whoots, pulling Baekhyun up on the couch laughing and falling. "There's Theatre Baek!"

Baekhyun pouts as Minseok pulls his cheek with cold fingers. "That was phenomenal! You were born for that thespian life, admit it!" Baekhyun rearranges himself so he's curled into Minseok's lap and makes a sound of protest. "Don't worry," Minseok says, fingers grazing to pull Baekhyun's ear, "You'll remember that poem now whether you want to or not. You're a kinesthetic learner." He nudges Baekhyun and gets himself another beer gulping it down and sighing. When he opens his third, Baekhyun turns to frown at him. "Sure you don't have anything on your mind?"

"Today's just a regular Thursday for me, besides I just don't get drunk." 

"Do you want to get drunk?" 

Minseok just shrugs. Two hours and eight beers later, Minseok has locked himself in Baekhyun's bathroom, vomiting his guts out. Baekhyun knocks on the door, "You alright in there?" He hears Minseok heave and a faint, "I'm good." 

After a while the toilet flushes and the tap is running, and Minseok emerges, looking very pink, but definitely better. 

"I thought you don't get drunk?"

"That's not drunk, that's emesis due to alcohol poisoning."

Minseok wipes his mouth with his shoulder and Baekhyun shakes his head, throwing him his towel. 

Minseok tackles him on the bed, head nuzzling into his stomach. Baekhyun holds back a giggle at the warm feeling of affection blooming inside everywhere Minseok touches. He looks down and cards his hands through Minseok's sweaty hair, both concerned and grateful that Minseok is sick. Baekhyun would take care of him for the rest of his life if Minseok needed. 

He allows himself to sink into the feeling and let it overwhelm him. He ignores how his chest clenches this time, focusing instead on the warmth that comes from Minseok's arms wrapped around his waist. 

A few quiet snores later, Baekhyun looks up from his poetry text to Minseok asleep on his lap. He aches with how much Minseok looks like he belongs there, and Baekhyun wants to keep him forever. He's overcome with emotion and finds himself choking back a sob, suddenly unable to contain it. Only when he is sure Minseok is asleep he rearranges him and continues playing with his hair. Before he falls asleep he whispers to him and kisses him lightly on the forehead.

"One day I will tell you I love you Minseok. I don't know how you'll take it, but I dread that day."

Minseok prefers routine, and Baekhyun doesn't mind, when he helps him with his homework and passes him popcorn. If he's particularly lucky, Minseok will offer to rub his feet, because maybe physiotherapy was a field he considered. Baekhyun would giggle and Minseok would spend the night. Baekhyun thinks that they're mostly a couple really, even though Minseok doesn't think too much of his affectionate display, they more or less do everything together. 

Maybe… maybe boyfriends wouldn't be so bad. Baekhyun could dream.

 

  


 

Minseok usually meets him at school when he can. Baekhyun hands him a can and crosses to sit. "I thought you were meeting me on campus today?"

Minseok's ears turn red, and he sheepishly sips his beer in silence.

"Did you get lost? I did on my first day too. It's pretty convoluted, I should have warned you."

"Well I went to the admin office to ask and there was a guy-"

"A good idea," Baekhyun smirks, "I had to do the same thing."

"Yeah a guy ended up walking me to the class."

Baekhyun tilts his head, "But you weren't there?"

"Yeah, and we ended up kind of talking, for a while-" Minseok is giggling and there is a blush to his cheeks. Baekhyun's heart is in his throat. 

"Wait, Hyung, you're gay?"

"I-" Minseok tilts his head and just looks at him. "I am," he says slowly after Baekhyun feels his heart is about to jump out and scream, "Is that a problem?"

"No, I just-" Baekhyun jumps, "I just never knew."

"Well...I am," Minseok says, eyes trained to him. His lips are slightly parted as if he doesn't know if he should continue or not. Baekhyun swallows and motions for him to go on with his story.

"Yeah," Minseok exhales, tense. "I was looking for your faculty building and he was in administration helping me out. He's in your program, probably in the same year..."

"So..?" Baekhyun tries as casually as he can—in case Minseok mistakes his anxiety for something else.

"He asked me out." 

Minseok says it flatly, leaving it up to Baekhyun to determine the outcome of what he said. "That's great," he smiles, and Minseok only takes a second before his own lips twitch upward. Baekhyun feels sick. 

It's nothing special, Minseok insists. They just get coffee, but he's so cute. He's pretty sure it was a one-time thing though, he didn't even get his name. Baekhyun can't help but think of the flush of Minseok's cheeks, and the jealousy that rises like bile in his throat. But he keeps smiling. He wants Minseok to tell him, to tell him, and no one else. It's a strange feeling. He's always loved Minseok, but he's never been second. He thinks of how much he doesn't know. Has Minseok dated before now? Of course, he scolds himself, or did you forget how many people you went through until you realised it was only him? 

Baekhyun realises in shock that he's never talked to his best friend about those things, like dating and love and sex. He never even came out to him. Minseok may joke about Baekhyun being a baby, but he still thinks of Baekhyun that way, and that stings. Baekhyun sits near limp as Minseok talks, still not completely convinced by Baekhyun's reaction. He reminds himself to smile at appropriate times when Minseok's gaze passes, but he says nothing.

He offers Minseok coffee and they do their homework quietly. Baekhyun goes straight to bed after Minseok leaves. 

 

  


 

He calls him the next day to check what he wanted to eat, and to make sure Minseok was okay after coming out. He wants him to know that Baekhyun is okay with it—more than okay even. He could relate.

"Hey, you doing alright?"

"What- yeah."

"Um, last night was tough, I just wanted you to know that we're good, and it's cool..."

"Oh,"

"And well-"

"Hey um, I've got to go, okay?"

Baekhyun blinks in shock, "Oh yeah, ok. Um, are you coming over later?"

"No."

That's it. Minseok offers no explanation. 

"Oh-um okay?" 

"Yeah, bye." 

The phone line goes dead, and Baekhyun's head swims. He feels cold and feverish at the same time, and feels dumb for feeling rejected. Minseok doesn't owe him anything.

Before he realises, he's grasping the kitchen counter and breathing hard. His darn heart beating too fast, and his throat closing on him in panic. He turns on the tap to get some water and can't even hold his glass because his hands are shaking. Surely, he's overreacting. It's no big-

The glass falls into the sink as he leans over and vomits, nearly falling over in the process. His head is spinning as he gags again, tears forcing themselves out of his eyes. The acid burns his throat, and he coughs, spitting and finally regains his footing. He splashes some water on his face and rinses the disgusting taste.

Heaving, he's grateful that at least it's all in the sink so he can just wash it down and go to bed. His vision is still blurry, but there's something chunky in the sink, and he blinks back tears. Carefully, he washes around it, but there are large white… petals? Baekhyun leans over and retches again, this time, he can taste it, distinctly rose flavoured in his throat. When he looks in the sink, he swears he's hallucinating.

"What the fuck?"

He's too dizzy-

  
  
  



	3. White

  
  


Baekhyun wakes up to his alarm blaring and groggily realises he has a class to get to. He washes up as fast as he can and grabs his shit and sprints to the train.

He doesn't realise it's his first of three alarms until he's already on the train, heading to school and really early. Luckily, he has his art history text, so he shoves himself into it on the way to class. He hadn't had the chance to finish a report due for his second class, which keeps his mind occupied until his schedule starts. He sits with rapt attention through all his lectures, head in his art history book all the way back home too.

Despite a good day of class, he's still down, and he tries unsuccessfully to not think of Minseok. He's had a nasty cough all day too, with how cold the weather has been getting lately. He needs to remember to take his coat with him because Minseok wasn't there to remind him.

He shuffles into his apartment feeling miserable, not knowing if Minseok would be coming over today or not. He doesn't know what to think of last night. he may have reacted too strongly to Minseok's confession, or maybe his jealousy showed plain on his face. He changes into pyjamas and shuffles around his apartment, tidying things just in case Minseok does plan on showing up. He gets to the kitchen and makes a face. The sink smells terribly of yesterday's chicken kung pao he had for lunch; he forgot he had thrown up and passed out on the kitchen floor without cleaning it up. He also remembers- 

"Holy shit," he breathes. He vaguely remembers the scent of roses, and there staring back at him amongst the dishes is unmistakably a white petal. He shakes his head and squints, picking it up in his hand. He knew that kung pao tasted weird. That was the last time he'd buy from the Chinese place outside campus. Next time he'll go to the more expensive but more legitimate place two blocks over. He rinses the sink and washes the dishes, adding disinfectant just in case.

He's done all his homework in his attempt to stave his thoughts, and with nothing to do and Minseok not there, he makes himself a hot pocket and puts on a Disney movie.

 

  


 

He jumps when his door beeps and Minseok steps in, beanie near covering his eyes and coat over his sweater. He looks like he's about to say something but he's walked in on Baekhyun sobbing to Brokeback mountain, and Baekhyun quickly takes the movie off and rubs the tears out of his eyes. 

"Were you watching Brokeback Mountain?" Minseok say, quick to notice. 

"It's a cinematic masterpiece," Baekhyun mumbles into his popcorn, ignoring how sorry he feels for himself. 

"Whoa, whoa Baek, is that- is that because of me?" Baekhyun looks up, eyes wide and before he can speak Minseok holds up his hand.

"Look Baek- I overreacted on Wednesday. It was too assumptive of me to think you were going to judge me for who I was. I know I never told you or anything so there is no way you could have known, so maybe you were shocked to hear it, you know? You probably thought that I was straight for years so I feel like I didn't give you enough time to come to terms with it. I was scared too, that you'd push me away too, you know? Because I like guys." 

Minseok rushes through his speech so quickly Baekhyun is grasping for a response. Minseok looks at him expectantly.

"I- Minseok- I would never judge you for something like that! I- I mean- even I-"

"So we're good? " Minseok bites his lip, anxiety all over his face, "You can accept me for who I am?" Baekhyun could only nod dumbly at the thought of the older being hurt by his reaction.

Minseok lets out a shaky breath, fidgeting by the coffee table. Baekhyun swallows. His own confession could wait. This was Minseok's moment, and he needed to make sure he was comfortable. He needed to take care of Minseok, as the older looked so small and unsure at that moment, and Baekhyun had never seen that side of him before. It must have been really important that Baekhyun accept him. He holds up the blankets. "You look cold," is all he says. Even if Minseok hesitates, there's light in his eyes.

"Are you sure Baek?"

"I don't care, idiot. I mean- I do care- about you, but I don't care if you're..." Baekhyun trails off, eyes on his smart tv. "There's only like three minutes of this left, we can watch something else, if you want?"

Minseok smiles before peeling off his clothes getting into bed next to Baekhyun. "You sure you're okay with this, Baekhyun?"

He gives his hyung an unimpressed look and shoves him sideways, and Minseok yelps, not expecting the sudden attack.

"Look who's being a baby now," he scoffs, and Minseok recovers and smacks him hard on the arm. Baekhyun pouts as he pulls up Tarzan, and Minseok laughs into his shoulder.

 

  


 

Things more or less resume their frequency, and Minseok doesn't have to look at Baekhyun so carefully anymore. That is, not since Baekhyun initiated a pillow fight because he couldn't shake the feeling of eyes on him while he did his homework. All in all, things have gone back to normal. But Baekhyun, being Baekhyun, his mind still races, thinking of when—and how—he was going to come out to Minseok. Should he do it soon, so it doesn't look like he's hiding it? Or should he wait until Minseok is a little more receptive to hearing it? Should he mention his crush too? He scoffs at referring to what he feels as a crush, because it is so much more than that.

"Yo, Byun!" 

Baekhyun starts to see Minseok holding a cup of coffee out to him, worry knitting his brows.

"You've been lost in thought for like, three minutes," Minseok tells him as he takes his coffee. There's maybe a hint of doubt there, but Minseok is back to being himself, excessive skinship and all. Baekhyun smiles into the coffee and jumps again when he finds Minseok looking him in the eye.

"What?" The older asks him, and Baekhyun feels his ears turn red. 

"I got three midterm projects today," he sighs into the cup. It's not what he wants to say, but he needs to make sure Minseok is ready. He needs to make sure he is ready, just in case he's overthinking his actions. It's worse if his confession drives a wedge in their relationship, after being apart for so long and being so close now.

"I'll help you outline," Minseok offers. Helpful, perfect.

"It's ok-"

"No really," Minseok insists, grabbing Baekhyun's books and flipping through, "There's a party on campus tomorrow, I want to make sure you're free to go."

Baekhyun sinks further into his couch and melts into his cup of coffee. Minseok is diligently overlooking his notes and doesn't notice his blush. 

  


Shit-faced is an understatement when it comes to describing how drunk everyone at said party gets. How shitfaced Minseok gets. And Baekhyun knows, because, being a responsible pseudo-adult, Baekhyun is sober. 

In his defence, he really wanted to drink, but he thinks that while being in Minseok's proximity his mouth would betray him as soon as his brain got a little fuzzy. 

"Come on," Minseok had urged him, pulling on his denim jacket, "You need to have the full college experience." He nagged. 

"Is the full college experience alcohol poisoning?" Baekhyun chided right back, grabbing Minseok's beer out of his hands. He was on his fourth beer in the first ten minutes of being there. "You need to slow down."

"I'll just get another!" Minseok hollers over the noise. By some magic, a beer finds itself into his hands, and Minseok smiles victoriously. Baekhyun facepalms with his free hand and finishes the near empty can anyway, suddenly aware that tonight, he may have to look after Minseok instead of the other way around.

Ever the socialite, Minseok flits from corner to corner, drink always in hand and Baekhyun always close behind. Baekhyun runs into a couple of vaguely familiar faces, but nothing too solid. This is Minseok's campus party after all. And he's lost count of the amount of alcohol the other had. He's pretty sure he saw some weed, some colourful pills passing around.

Two hours in, people are getting hot and sweaty in the commons, grinding against each other like their lives depended on it. From what he remembers of high school biology, life did depend on it, but growing up in a fairly small town ensured that a party this calibre never happened back home. Baekhyun still hadn't fully adjusted to city life. Minseok seemed to fit right in.

He takes his eyes off his friend for 2 seconds to politely push someone off him and when he looks up, Minseok is gone. He's probably done this a million times before, Baekhyun reminds himself, but still can't settle the uneasy feeling in his gut. He spends the next god-knows how long navigating grinding bodies, beer spills and recreational drug use, convinced he'd be having fun if Minseok didn't suddenly go missing.

He spots him eventually, in the middle of the common area where everyone is pressed together, swaying in all kinds of motions. Minseok has his beer raised above his head and his eyes are bloodshot, focus completely on grinding full power on the girl in front of him. Baekhyun's mouth suddenly feels like sandpaper, and he's very aware of the sweat dripping down his chest and back. 

He turns to the couple making out next to him and grabs a beer from someone's hands—they're not using it anyway—downing the nasty lukewarm thing and peeling off his jacket. He couldn't be bothered to secure it before making his way through the crowd like Moses himself, on a mission to—What exactly? He doesn't know what. He just heads straight for Minseok and the older hands him his beer, holding the girl's hips with both his hands now.

Their eyes meet briefly, and Baekhyun feels like he's on fire, sipping from Minseok's beer and licking his lips. Minseok's eyes follow his mouth, and Minseok quirks his brow in a laugh.

"That's my Baekkie," he says, leaning forward and resting his chin on the girl's shoulder. Baekhyun can tell they don't know each other, but he feels like he needs to ask. Minseok runs his hand through the girls long hair, and just as Baekhyun opens his mouth Minseok lets her go.

"Come on baby, drink up," he says over the music, grabbing the can out of his hand and pressing it to his lips. Baekhyun doesn't know what to do except drink, tilting his head back as Minseok pours the cheap alcohol down his throat.

"Let's dance," He says, just tossing the can somewhere and grabbing Baekhyun by the shoulders.

"Minseok," Baekhyun chokes out, from where Minseok's palms are hot on his arms. He summons all of his common sense to make an appearance. "Shouldn't we get back?"

Minseok wraps his arms around him from behind, head dipping to whisper in Baekhyun's ear, "Relax baby, you're here to have fun."

The way Minseok says 'baby' is different from the other times, and Baekhyun can only blame the alcohol. His voice leaves goosebumps on his skin, just like where his hands are travelling to grip Baekhyun's waist.

"You're so stiff," Minseok laughs again, "loosen up, have fun." And Baekhyun is nearer to death than he's ever been, Minseok pressed up behind him and breathing into his ear. 

Baekhyun gives in and lets his hips be guided to sway. Minseok rests his forehead on Baek's shoulder and they dance like that, hips bumping from time to time.

The song changes and Minseok hums, Baekhyun fighting off goosebumps that follow the sound. This is too dangerous, he thinks, and he doesn't have enough alcohol in him for it to qualify as drunken shenanigans. 

He turns to Minseok, ready to drag him home, and stops dead in his tracks by the look in his eye. Even if Minseok is older, they're about the same height, and Baekhyun can see every detail of his face, from the sweat on his temple to the pink of his too bitten lips. Someone knocks into him, pushing him too close to Minseok, and he gasps, body going rigid. Minseok exhales, breath hitting Baekhyun's lips, and when he drags his eyes away from Minseok's mouth the older surges in to kiss him. He wraps his arm around Baekhyun's waist and the other is on his neck, trapping him if he had cared to move. He puts both hands on Minseok's face, opening his mouth and allowing their tongues to meet. The older nibbles his lip in between kisses, and Baekhyun kisses back just as eagerly. Minseok tastes like everything he imagines, like Coors light and a hint of smoke, but also of familiarity, of memories, of home. 

He puffs as they come up for air, still clinging to the older, and Minseok lets go of him. There's fire in his eyes, fire that stops Baekhyun from objecting when Minseok grabs his hand and leads him through the crowd, through a corridor and into a bathroom that is miraculously unoccupied. He corners him against the wall, hands now caressing his face, running his thumb along Baekhyun's bottom lip. Baekhyun could feel the bass through the wall, music loud enough to drown out his waning common sense. 

"Ok?" he asks. Baekhyun nods breathlessly, and Minseok's lips are back on his, bodies pressed together and Minseok's hand firmly gripping his sides. Baekhyun moans into the kiss, jumping when Minseok's hand palms his ass.

Suddenly, the warmth is gone, and he looks at Minseok to find him equal parts frantic and apologetic. 

"Oh my god, Baekhyun, oh my god, I'm so sorry."

Oh no, no no no no no, "Minseok I-"

"I wasn't thinking- I-"

"Minseok, Calm down-"

"You should go," he interjects, not meeting Baekhyun's eye.

"I- what? You kissed me!" Baekhyun hisses, shoving at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Minseok whispers. He makes to grab Baekhyun's shoulder but pulls back.

"Minseok don't do this- I have to tell you-"

"I'm sorry Baekhyun- go home," Minseok opens the bathroom door and shoves him through it, slamming it shut behind him. 

"Minseok!" he pounds at the door, "Kim Fucking Minseok!" 

He doesn't know if he can hear him over the music, but he would be able to feel it. He kicks the door and pounds it till his feet hurt, but Minseok won't come out. Numbly, he steps away from it, doesn't realise he's made it back home, doesn't realise tears are trailing down his face until he falls to the floor choking back sobs, confused.

He cries so hard he's wheezing, still in his thin shirt and shoes. No matter how much he wipes his tears they still come. That's what you get for pining after someone you have no right to, he chides himself. He coughs into his shoulder, throat thick with phlegm, and it feels like it's closing. Like something is stuck there and he can't get it out, like he spent so long stifling his feelings for Minseok to the point it physically manifests in his chest. He can't stop coughing, something literally at the back of his throat. Eventually he hacks it up, wiping at the bits that are now stuck to his mouth. 

He may or not be hallucinating this time—in his hands are creamy white petals.

  
  
  



	4. Green

  
  


The smartest thing Baekhyun can think of to do at the moment is consult the only expert he knows; Google. All he gets are results about poisonous flowers, about allergic reactions to ingestion, but Baekhyun didn't eat any flowers. He thought he may have—in the Kung Pao—but that was a week ago and couldn't still be in his system. 

The best person to ask about this would be Minseok—he was a medical student after all, but just thinking of Minseok made his chest clench and his eyes sting. Before tears can even start, he's coughing again, and now he's staring at more petals—rose petals—and trying to make sense of what is happening.

Thankfully it's a Saturday, he doesn't have a reason to be out, so he parks himself in bed, throat sore when he thinks of dark hair falling into sharp eyes.

 

  


 

Minseok calls him around noon.

"Are you okay? Did you make it home?"

"Yeah."

"Can I- can I come over? I have your jacket."

Baekhyun forgot about it, honestly. "Yeah," he croaks. He stays bundled in bed, no will to do anything. Minseok knows the entry code.

When he enters, he throws Baekhyun's jacket in the laundry hamper and sits at the edge of the bed. Sighing, he pulls the blanket off Baekhyun's face.

"Baek," he begins.

"Minseok," Baekhyun scowls back.

"About last night-"

"Last night you dragged me to a party where I knew no one, abandoned me to grind on some stranger, initiated kissing, suddenly changed your mind, you locked me out of a bathroom so I couldn't talk to you, then forced me to come home alone at 2 am. Did I forget anything?"

He glares, but Minseok looks down, suddenly very interested in his hair that usually falls into his eyes.

"Look, Baekhyun- I'm sorry. What happened- I'm still trying to understand myself and I- I didn't mean to do that to you."

He wants to argue, but if he does he's being selfish. Heck, Minseok didn't even want it to happen. Baekhyun could understand that. He knows what it's like to feel confused about his sexuality. He tries to clear his throat.

"You said sorry last night too," he says it softly. He doesn't want to be a regret, he doesn't regret kissing Minseok at all.

"We were drunk Baekhyun. And I-um...I was high too."

"Oh.Oh," is all Baekhyun can say, dumbly, blankly.

"So don't think too much into it ok? I'm sorry I kissed you. It was my mistake. I'm not like a- predator or anything." He looks down at his feet. "I hope you can forgive me after this...I don't want to be the one to end our friendship."

There are alarms going off in his head. Too many in fact, but he can't cut Minseok off. He's not able too. He's the one with dumb feelings- but he at least knows how he feels. 

"I-" he breaks off into a cough, and leans over. Curse those shitty petals, for coming at a time like this. He hates appearing pathetic, even if he is. But maybe he could finally ask Minseok about it. He hacks out about three petals, large and pristine white.

"Are you okay, Baek?" Minseok says. He didn't even realise he was leaning on him. "That's a nasty cough you have there. Is this because you didn't wear your jacket out?"

Baekhyun leans off him and shakes his head opening his palm to show him the petals inside. "This is what's been causing it," he rasps out. Minseok frowns down at his hand before placing his own on Baekhyun's forehead. "Do you have a fever? Are you sick?"

"It's right there in my hand, Minseok," he says in irritation.

Minseok's face pinches into worry, "Baekhyun, there's nothing there, your hand is empty. I think you need to get some rest."

Baekhyun is easily piloted into bed, where Minseok tucks him in and feeds him some medicine after a quick run to the pharmacy. He stays the evening and makes him soup, and after he feeds him, lies next to him and reads him poetry for his class. Baekhyun doesn't understand the feeling in throat, or in his chest.

 

  


 

They don't talk about the party. They just don't and continue like nothing’s happened. Baekhyun chooses not to dwell on it, instead studying the dip of Minseok's shoulders and his muscular forearms as he struggles with an accurate clay model of a liver.

"You know, you can just do a drawing like the rest of the students?" Baekhyun tells him, watching him struggle from the bed. He himself is trying to brainstorm ideas for his creative writing assignment. He leans very strongly to ripping off a poem from his ModPo book.

"What good is it if I am just like everybody else?"

Baekhyun snorts, "We know you're not, Mr Third Year Rep."

"You're forgetting ‘Mr. Rank 1’ too," he says, rolling a blue piece.

"You're such a show-off, how does no one at school try to beat you up."

"Because they can't," he says with emotion, "Besides, who can hate me?" He looks up at Baekhyun and blinks cutely. 

Baekhyun tries to hide his smile with a gag. Minseok sticks his tongue out.

"Come help me with this, there are too many blood vessels." 

He slides out of bed and has to press against Minseok because there's little space on the floor where Minseok has everything spread. He likes how warm Minseok always is.

"Are you planning on going home for Chuseok?" Baekhyun wants to know if he has to go back home too.

"I'm not sure. My dad's going to be here." Minseok's relationship with his dad was a choppy one. Baekhyun frowns. "Well, let me know if you're going, we can go together."

 

  


 

Baekhyun coughs into his hand while waiting for Minseok at the campus cafe. He reads Kim So-Wol while he waits, and honestly, there is nothing more boring than poetry in this life. He spots Minseok before he enters, bundled carefully even though it hasn't even begun to snow yet.

"Are you wearing your entire wardrobe?" Baekhyun greets him, handing him the espresso he ordered him.

"I'm cold," Minseok says, taking off his many jackets, "But it's too early in the year to walk around in a parka." He looks at the book on the table. "Modern poetry again?" 

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "I hate this stupid course. There are so much words."

Minseok laughs and sips his drink. He makes a face at the taste and sets the cup down.

"Hey, you remember the guy I met? I ran into him again." Baekhyun needs to stop telling Minseok to meet him on campus, even if he insists. He forces his face to look bright, to grin and to nod, not to think of the reason that Minseok insists.

"Going out again?" he says, hoping it sounds conversational. 

"Maybe just for coffee again," Minseok shrugs. Baekhyun suppresses a cough. "That's great hyung," he says more bright than he feels. 

 

  


 

His teacher lets them out two hours earlier on Wednesdays, and Baekhyun swears that Intro to Language is his favourite class. He calls Minseok but he doesn't answer, so he lingers around the campus coffee shop transcribing Hanja until he shows up. He calls him again, and he doesn't reply, so he just texts him instead.

 

**3:03pm  
Hyung? Answer your phone. I want to know if I have to get food.**

 

**4:39pm  
I got a pizza so maybe you can pick up the beer?**

****

 

**6:37pm  
Are you okay? Call me.**

 

It's after eleven when Minseok calls.

"Baek!" Minseok slurs. 

"Yeah?" he gulps.

"Coffee was great!" He hears noises and giggling in the background. He might be sad. Or pissed. It's hard to discern. He doesn't want to be petulant but-

"Weren't we meeting up today?"

There's a pause on the other line, "What day is it?"

"Wednesday."

"Today was my date," Minseok whispers. The giggles get louder. 

"Have fun," Baekhyun hangs the phone up as quickly as he can, throwing it on the bed and pacing around. Coffee didn't take 7 hours. And Minseok gets touchy when he drinks. There's only one outcome Baekhyun imagines here, and honestly it terrifies him. He doesn't have a right- Minseok doesn't belong to him or anything. 

But he just met the guy a couple weeks ago. That is, after he met him the first time. Did he like him that much, or was it just like a passing thing? Minseok's whole face brightens up when he talks about so it must be that he has some feelings for him? 

Baekhyun knows he's shouldn't think about it. He should just be happy for Minseok and continue with his life. But he can't help it, can't help the sharp pain that shoots down his stomach.

He throws up on the floor, sick of himself and when he makes to clean it up, he sees the colours have changed.

"They're pink now."

It takes him a moment to realise it wasn't his own voice that said it, and when he looks up he sees someone he's never seen before.

"How did you get in here?" he asks, " I have a lock code on the door."

"I'm Minseok's boyfriend," the guest says happily, seated very comfortably on Baekhyun's couch.

"I didn't ask you that," Baekhyun insists, "And Minseok doesn't have a boyfriend."

"You just keep telling yourself that, kiddo," he says, grinning deviously back.

"Oh my God. I'm hallucinating. You're a hallucination," Baekhyun realises, as the invader grins back at him. 

"I'm about as real as those petals are," he says with a nod. So he is hallucinating. Baekhyun's attention flickers back to the now rosy petals on the floor.

"You can see them?"

"Can't you see me?"

"Why can't Minseok see them?"

The man laughs, a pitched annoying sound that makes Baekhyun wince. "He can only see the petals if he loves you the same way. You can see me because you love him."

Baekhyun winces. "Who are you?"

"So nice of you to finally ask. I'm Jongdae."

 

  


 

Minseok is hungover when he shows up at Baekhyun's apartment the next day, to await Baekhyun's dad when he comes to pick them up. Minseok's house is at the beginning of Baekhyun's street, so it really wasn't any problem at all. They did, after all, grow up together.

He flops onto the bed, and Baekhyun hands him an energy drink that he accepts with a groan. 

"How much did you drink, even?" Baekhyun asks, about to scold. "Shh...please," Minseok whispers, "I can see sounds."

They don't talk on the car ride back, and Baekhyun's dad listens to the news the entirety of the three-hour drive. Baekhyun knows it must be driving Minseok insane.

They drop him off in front his house, and he thanks Baekhyun's father before heading inside. Baekhyun looks at him enter, worried about how the holiday may be for him.

"You know Nakazo is back, don't you?" his father asks, after they've pulled off. Baekhyun nods, and his dad turns into their garage. 

"Poor kid," his father says.

 

  


 

He forgot how big and spacious his house was, walking in and feeling overwhelmed by all the open space. 

"I'll be in my office, your mother is in the greenhouse," his dad tells him. 

"The greenhouse? Does she know winter is a thing?"

"Son, I can control your mother about as much as I can control a hurricane," his father says fondly, shaking his head. Baekhyun feels a strange pang of jealousy and briefly coughs into has hand.

"That's a good line, I should write it down. When I left home, she was preparing apple pie, it should be nice and warm if it's still in the oven. Don't say I told you." His dad disappears into his study, and Baekhyun throws his coat back on to go outside. He checks his pockets to make sure he has it and enters the greenhouse.

He retches as the perfumed smell of roses hit him, and Baekhyun feels dizzy. 

"Baekhyun?" his mother calls. "Hey mom," he says weakly, smiling. 

"Oh honey, I'll hug you later I have dirt on me."

"Do you need help?" Baekhyun offers. His mom started growing flowers as a hobby and became obsessed, "And do you know it's November?"

His mother chuckles, twining rose wire around a bunch of stems. "I got a very lovely variety of rose that can withstand winter. El Catala, they call it. Beautiful flower." She motions to the blossoms, and she's right, it's beautiful. Baekhyun would like it if he wasn't so disgusted with roses at the moment.

"They won't die, would they?"

"These things thrive off the cold. They may die when winter peaks, if they were outside. I'm pretty sure in here they'd last until spring."

"Why is it lighter in the middle?" Baekhyun says, swallowing.

"Do you know what novelty roses are? Mind where you walk, dear, if you step on my strawberries I'll bury your body right under them."

"Uh," Baekhyun scratches his head and steps right out of the path of anything that would guarantee absolute death.

"I'll take that as a no?" She asks him with a raised brow. Baekhyun shakes his head.

"Back in the day, in Europe, they used all sorts of flowers to communicate their feelings. It started as manners, but they turned it into a language. There were the basic colours, colours found in nature, but soon people began breeding them to say their specific messages. And novelty roses are a result of that. This rose says two things at once."

Baekhyun feels his throat itch, "And what's that?"

"Red, I love you and I long for you and pink, I admire you. When I see you, I am filled with joy."

"I didn't know flowers could say those things," he mumbles out.

"You dad has a book about it. The language of flowers should be the title, if I recall correctly." She continues wrapping branches together.

"Why are you doing that?"

"If I don't train the direction this plant grows, it will grow apart and all over the place." 

Baekhyun watches her work and drags his foot in the dirt. 

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"Do you love me?" 

His mother pulls back from the plant she's tending too. "Are you okay, Baekhyun?"

"Yeah, mom. I just- I need to know."

She crosses and hugs him, "You are my son. Of course I love you." She ruffles his hair and turns back to her shrub. Baekhyun pulls them out of his pocket.

"Can you see this?" Baekhyun says. He holds up a sandwich bag filled with the white petals he's coughed up. 

"Petals?"

He hands her the bag "Do you know what they are? I think they're roses."

"Judging by the size of these, they could be an April Moon. See the slight tint of yellow? If I had to guess I'd say that was it."

Baekhyun nods, pocketing the bag. He holds up the pink ones. "And these?"

"What a beautiful colour, it looks like Quietness."

"Huh," is all Baekhyun says. Figures. "And what do white petals mean?"

"Hmm...purity, chastity. But those petals you have aren't white Baekhyun. They're cream and that colour means thoughtfulness, care and protection. I think."

"Oh, I'll go look for the book." He turns to leave. 

"You pressing flowers again?" his mom asks, clipping a dead branch.

"What?" 

"When you were little you used to pick my best flowers and put them between books. When I scolded you, you told me you were making bookmarks for Minseok. You've got like three years of my best flowers still in your father's books. Back to that old hobby?"

Baekhyun thinks his mother knows about his feelings for Minseok. She's a composed woman, no-nonsense and proper. He could never gauge her, and he doesn't know if she suspects, knows or just has a feeling. She glances up at him, waiting for an answer.

He thumbs the petals in his pocket and looks away, trying to recall the memory.

"Yeah. Sorta."

"Okay. Mind the wisteria on your way out."

 

  


 

"Hey dad, do you have any books about flowers?"

"What don't I have a book about, boy?" Baekhyun's father says from his manuscript, "How is your programme going by the way?"

"I'm doing well. I study a lot at home."

His father nods. "Thinking of becoming a writer like your old man?"

Baekhyun can't bear to tell him the truth, "Yeah, I've been reading a lot of poetry lately."

"Who do you like?"

Baekhyun calls the first name he remembers, "Hwang Byeong Seung."

"I see," his father says, clearing his throat, "Well the fiction is now in the living room. Nonfiction is in here, sorted congress style."

"Thanks, dad," he says, pulling out his phone to google the poet he mentioned. Of course, it had to be the gay one. Baekhyun groans and grabs The Secret Language of Flowers from the shelf, sparing only a moment to grab The Grecian Types of Love.

  


Chuseok had been quiet, Baekhyun cutting his fingers too many times while peeling chestnuts. With no extended family to run racket around his home, it passed after offerings and eating meals with his family. He was left to occupy himself the rest of his time there, thumbing through his novels. Home was always stately rather than homely. Not that his parents weren't great, or kind. They were both driven, ambitious and doted on him. But they weren't loving, like Minseok's family. 

Minseok's house now would be filled with his cousins, aunts and uncles and all sorts of extended family. His Aunt Hyera would have brought her pack of mischievous children, content to have three and one on the way. They'd dress the backyard with hearty decorations and blast some trot, Cousin Jongwon belting along, grandfather cursing at the autumn chill and fireflies "those dreadful things." Even Chanyeol, Minseok's second cousin who would grumble when he saw him and moodily avoid him, would be there. 

In a way, Baekhyun missed them too, knowing them all from their years of friendship. He could easily slide down to the Kim's house. But Chuseok was a family event. His presence would suggest that he and Minseok were more than friends. His heart flutters just thinking of it, thinking of leaning into Minseok as his family teases him and his Uncle Sungmin pinches his cheeks. Of kissing Minseok in his backyard, late into the night when the children were put to sleep and the older family would sit and gossip amongst themselves, catching up like they do at every family event. Hand in hand with Minseok.

Baekhyun shakes himself when he realises he's been reading the same page in The Great Gatsby for five minutes. He takes a deep breath and turns the page, ignoring what was making his mind wander in the first place. 

 

  


 

Saturday night Minseok walks right into his room, no stranger to his house, and takes off his coat and jacket. Baekhyun looks up from Anna Karenina at him. "How was your Chuseok?"

Minseok throws a bag of Japanese candies he used to like on Baekhyun's desk. He stopped eating them around the time his dad stopped bringing them back home. That was the time his dad had stopped coming back home, too.

"He brought me these candies. In front of everyone," Minseok's face is scarily stoic, "I don't eat sweets anymore. You can have them."

Baekhyun doesn't know what happened at Minseok's house, but he could guess that his father had tried some half-assed apologies, like the excuses he gave for not coming to Minseok's baseball games, graduations or birthdays. Things that everyone considered important, but that Minseok especially did. He pulls Minseok off the chair and next to him on the bed, wrapping his arms around him without a word. Minseok sniffles quietly and buries his head in Baekhyun's shoulder. Baekhyun pretends not to hear him cry.

  
  
  



	5. Red

  
  


"Thank you for the lift, Mr. Byun." Minseok says, grabbing his bags and getting out of the car. He pauses when Baekhyun makes no move to exit.

"I'd like a moment with my son, Minseok," his father explains. Baekhyun maybe had an idea of what was coming. It wasn't as if his father wasn't dropping hints the entire weekend.

Minseok nods and exits, at Baekhyun's apartment, walking in like if it was his, too. Baekhyun's eyes travel after him, and he swallows the thickness in his throat when his father says his name. 

"There's a colleague of mine that works at your University. He's a bit young, but he's a good writer, all things considered. He's agreed to take you on as an apprentice during your second year, but that means from now you will have to dedicate the time to your craft. I told him he'd have your portfolio before the end of May. It's a strict process, Baekhyun."

He knows what that means. There is no room for error. He's not sure what to respond, just looks around. "Can I think about it dad? I mean, I'm not 100% sure-"

"This is the path you're on, Baekhyun. It's just jumping ahead a few paces."

"I know, I just-" Baekhyun sighs and his dad watches him patiently. He knows he can say no, but he doesn't want to disappoint him. He doesn't want to disappoint anybody—not his family, not Minseok.

"I'll call you okay? Thanks dad." He lugs his bag up and waves as his father drives away. 

 

  


 

"I mean he knows he wants his only son to follow in his footsteps, and I may, but it's just so much pressure." 

Minseok hums from his desk chair, fiddling with the box of rice cakes his mother sent with him. "But what do you want to do, Baek?" he says seriously, biting into a soft cake. Baekhyun hates how adorable he looks. It puts his crisis at ease.

"It doesn't matter what I want to do. I mean- no offence Minseok but you- you could always choose. It's an option for you. You just happen to be good at everything anyway."

"Don't you dare," Minseok says, threatening as a kitten with his cheeks filled, "You know I work hard to distinguish myself. Whereas you just suck at everything and get pulled along by your father's reputation and your mother's inheritance."

Baekhyun groans and falls sideways onto the bed. 

"I mean I never get the chance. Like, what do I have outside this degree? It's highly likely I only got in because of Dad's 'colleague' too, apparently."

"I only wanted medicine because of the money I'd make."

"Yeah, but don't you like it?" Baekhyun grumbles.

"Hell yeah. I do now. What I'm saying is you can do something for the wrong reasons and it can work out. Poetry is still a performing art. Maybe you can make links in the industry and pursue acting after all."

Baekhyun just rolls his eyes at Minseok's suggestion. In his own defence, he'd never said anything about being an actor. He just doesn't know what it would be like, to do things for himself. Minseok insists it's his calling.

"What have you got to lose?"

"Like- the already little time or sense of personality I have?"

"Oh, university would do that to you anyway."

Baekhyun lifts his head enough to open his mouth, and Minseok takes the hint and offers him a rice cake. He chews and then buries his head in the pillow again. Minseok contemplates from the chair.

"So you churn out some sappy poetry and then run off to Broadway. At least your dad will be happy before you do."

The idea has merit. "Promise you'll help me?" Baekhyun huffs.

"I am your willing muse," Minseok says emphatically. Baekhyun just throws a pillow at the older.

 

  


 

Baekhyun's attention is rapt in his modern poetry class now, scribbling notes on anything that would help him find topics or clever-sounding phrases that would allude to mystery, or something. Minseok agreed to check it over, so he can tell him if it sounds cheesy or cliche. And he'll send some to his dad when he deems he's done enough that's worthy.

"The important things to look for are motifs," his lecturer is saying, "they determine the overall feeling the author conveys."

Someone asks him for examples.

"Take, for instance, The Self-portrait by Seo Jung-Ju. The poet recalls his tale of childhood, roping the reader into a sense of nostalgia. How is it that we, the reader, can relate? Did all our mothers eat a green apricot while pregnant? Did we lose our grandfathers at sea? How does the author give that sense of relatability."

Baekhyun thinks about it. Minseok had teared up when he had read the poem, Baekhyun also finding a sort of sadness in it. What was it that made it so relatable?

"Imagery?" A girl from the front wonders. 

"You're going to have to give me more than that," his teacher says, "This is a poetry class."

"These are all things we know."

"What? Who said that?"

Heads swivel to look at Baekhyun, and he curses inwardly.

"Kang, is it?"

"Byun," he corrects, realising he has been trapped now into answering. He licks his lips nervously, "Seo Jung-Ju does use imagery. He almost always pairs a natural occurrence to a feeling or an event. He uses symbols instead to convey the feeling rather than saying what he feels."

The professor appraises him, "Can you give me an example?"

Baekhyun chuckles. "Every single line? He compares his father leaving to a dark night in the first line, a dark night is something we all know, a night when there are no stars or moon. It's an allusion to a hopeless feeling. It's the same thing he does when he mentions his grandfather being lost at sea, people lose all kinds of stuff at sea."

"That's an interesting opinion, Mr Byun. A pedestrian way of saying it, but sensible no less," Baekhyun nods, and his professor continues on about specific imagery in Korean poetry, more so modern poetry. In which the sea meant longing and fruits meant fertility, all the cliches. Their homework is to identify the tropes, the symbolism and their meanings, as much as they can in the ModPo text, and explain why they mean what they mean. Baekhyun is coming to terms with all the poetry his life is going to become when his professor calls to him. He gathers his things quickly and meets him at the front of the classroom.

"Write me an essay on your interpretation of The Self Portrait." Professor Kim walks out and Baekhyun is just dumbfounded by the amount of work he already has to do, on a Monday.

 

  


 

He taps a pencil on his desk, caught between writing poetry for his internship and scanning all the poetry in his text. He finished the essay two days ago, along with his other projects.

"Symbolism?" he mutters to himself. He's listing as much as he can on his homework. 

"Try flowers."

He looks up to see Jongdae, smirk plastered all over his face. Baekhyun pauses, just looking at him. This doesn't look like the kind of person Minseok would like. Though he has a familiar look, his features are too sharp, too sly. It's not complementary to the softness and trust of Minseok's. Or maybe Baekhyun's just nitpicking. 

"Why am I seeing you?" Baekhyun asks him, instead. Jongdae doesn't reply, so Baekhyun ignores him to flip to the index of his poetry text. He highlights the ones that discuss flowers and gets up to fish out The Secret Language of Flowers from a bag. 

"You don't need that." Baekhyun gives Jongdae an eyebrow, and the other straightens himself from his couch. 

"I can tell you all you need to know about flowers," the other says.

"Really?" Baekhyun snorts, "So can you tell me why a cuckoo or owl or nightingale whatever cried all spring for a chrysanthemum to bloom?"

"What do chrysanthemums mean?"

Baekhyun flips through his the same book. "It means love and deep passion."

"But the author is not talking about passion, is she?" 

Baekhyun looks at Jongdae and rubs his eyes. "She's talking about coming home. What the fuck does that have to do with passion? Or chrysanthemums, for fucks sake."

"He doesn't like when you swear," Jongdae tells him immediately, and Baekhyun stutters. He means Minseok. 

"My mom can see the petals because she loves me, right? But Minseok can't, because he doesn't."

"There are different kinds of love," Jongdae says quietly. He doesn't know if that means yes or no. They make eye contact until Baekhyun looks away, back at 'Beside a Chrysanthemum' and he doesn't say anything.

"Yellow."

"Yellow?"

"The colour of the chrysanthemums in the poem, genius."

"That's all this book says?"

"Because one book is absolute truth,"

Baekhyun snatches up his phone and googles it quickly. "Neglected love or sorrow?" Baekhyun's throat feels tight. "She was waiting for the flower to bloom...but when it did it was yellow instead of red. She spent her youth waiting for him to love her back..."

Jongdae watches patiently as Baekhyun gags into his hand, petals coming out with a burn and little specks of red. His eyes widen in panic, and he locks on Jongdae, petals in his fist. 

"Why is this happening to me? What does this mean about Minseok?"

He looks up because Minseok has just walked in, and frantically looks back at the couch. Jongdae is gone, and Baekhyun has more petals and more questions.

"Were you talking to yourself?" Minseok says, setting down the shopping. Baekhyun breathes shakily and nods. "Yeah, this poetry is really stressing me out."

Minseok takes out a container of black bean noodles and puts it in the microwave, padding to peer over Baekhyun at his work. He doesn’t even notice the petals on top of the book. He smells similar to something floral, and Baekhyun excuses himself, heading to the bathroom and holding back a cough.

 

_Today I will plant a flower_  
_on a corner of the shadow_  
_where I got to know you;_  
_when the flower grows to bloom,_  
_all the distress that stemmed from our acquaintance_  
_will turn into petals and fly away._  
_It will turn into petals and fly away._

 

  


 

The water suddenly runs out when he's washing his hair. He looks up to try to fix the shower and gets the suds in his eyes, cursing as he reaches out blindly for his towel. His cell phone rings, and he stumbles out of the shower to get it, cursing again when he still can't open his eyes to check the caller.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Byun Baekhyun? It's Mr Lee, the landlord."

"Hey Mr Lee," Baekhyun says, now drying the soapy parts of his body because he can feel himself dripping on the floor. 

"I'm calling to let you know that the water is out. Roadworks accidentally cut the line to the buildings on this street, but we're working on getting it fixed."

Baekhyun groans, "I was in the shower, it cut off on me."

"Oh no, how unfortunate. I'm so sorry!" 

"It's okay," Baekhyun says, "thank you for letting me know. Please let me know as soon as it's fixed."

He hangs up and feels sticky and unwashed, so he chills out in his towel with the apartment heat on full blast. He lays on the floor contemplating lines, things that sound poetic but maybe aren't.

"I ate ddukbokki at the street....the corner of the street, I waited for you. I bought you ddukbokki. If only I could exchange my time, for coins...Nah, too Mah Jonggi ."

"For every bird I saw touch the ground, no, for every bird I saw touch the sky, I will think of my father's mother, the laughs of my great niece, and the spicy sauce that they serve for pajeon dripping on a blue plate in summer."

He lets out a self-deprecating laugh, but poems are absolute nonsense, and it's kind of fun. He wonders if he does everything in limerick how far he can go on bullshitting and people call it poetry.

"Your sighs, they are raindrops on flowers, they are dew on the morning grass, Even if I confront you by the almond tree. Your sighs, are they the breath of my lungs, the pain of my heart? Are they the tips of my fingers to the round of your cheeks? Your sighs, are they like my sights for you?"

Baekhyun is a little breathless, wishing he's recorded the dumb verse he's just mumbled. Minseok's head pops into view. "Are you composing poetry?"

Baekhyun squints his still burning eyes. "I didn't hear you come in?"

"Just kidding, it's me!" Minseok's face is suddenly Jongdae, and Baekhyun scrambles upright.

"Holy fuck, are you a Dokkaebi?" 

"That's pretty mean of you, and it's daytime. Goblins come out at night."

"Well, I don't know what your goblin powers do, except make you super annoying."

Jongdae frowns and Baekhyun seethes, content just by himself. 

"How are your petals?"

"Why are you even asking if you know?" Baekhyun huffs.

"What colour are they? 

"Pink."

Jongdae hums and Baekhyun crosses his arms. 

"What are you?"

"I'm a gardener. I tend to what grows here." He touches Baekhyun's chest and the pressure is real, he quickly grabs Jongdae's hand and its solid. 

"What is this? Why are you doing this?"

"I'm not the one doing this," Jongdae says.

"Then why," Baekhyun hisses, "do petals spew out of me like a cannon?"

"I told you," Jongdae says, "It's a garden. I just tend to the flowers, but you- you were the one that planted them."

Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows, roughly letting go of Jongdae's arm. The other lets out a small whine that Baekhyun doesn't buy for a second. "I didn't plant anything."

"Don't you love him?"

"Yeah but-"

"Didn't you decide to?"

Baekhyun pauses, "I mean with that logic, you're saying the petals are Minseok's fault."

"It's no one's fault. Flowers don't grow where they are told. They grow where they belong."

"What are you saying?" Baekhyun cries, yanking his bangs in frustration, "How do I make it stop?"

"You cut down bushes that are overgrown, Baekhyun. If you love him, and he doesn’t have the same love for you, you have to get rid of it.” 

Baekhyun jumps as his phone rings again and turns back to an empty couch. “Hello?” he sighs into the phone.

"I'm sorry, Mr Byun, it’s Lee again. The leak will take minimum two days to repair. I am sorry for the inconvenience and will discount you on this months water changes."

He hangs up the phone and dials Minseok. "Hyung, my building's water has been cut for a while. Can I shower at yours until it's back?"

"What? Oh damn. That's going to be tough here. But sure, anything you need." Minseok lives in a shared flat with other students from his university. But he doesn't have a choice, really. It's either that, or a public bathroom, and he really doesn't feel like dealing with the glory days recollections from all the ahjusshis.

"Can I come over today when you can? I was in the middle of a shower when it stopped."

"Yeah, I'll message you when I'm free."

He hangs up and goes back to staring at nothing. Then, an idea hits him and he picks up his pencil to scribble some lines.

 

_It is a garden. I tend to it,_  
_but you were the ones that planted the seeds._  
_I cannot control where they grow._  
_I do not even know why._

_It is overgrown, but I tend to them nonstop._

_I feel like I will never escape here._

 

  


 

"Sorry it's so late," Minseok says, finally leading him inside the building. It's after 9 pm but Minseok said he was busy so he spent the entire time home in a towel. Baekhyun had to sign a bunch of disclaimer forms before entering, and Minseok just kinda looked sheepish the entire time, especially because he’d left his ID card home. Minseok forgot to tell him he'd need it.

There are checkpoints that Minseok uses a resident ID to enter each time, and the place is a little dingy compared to his own, but it has common rooms and kitchens and looks way more like a holistic college experience.

"This place is really nice," he says, but Minseok just shoots him a look that says, 'please.'

"Oh my god, Minseok. Is that your boyfriend?"

Baekhyun spins where there are a group of boys lounging in a couched area. Two of them are shirtless, and Baekhyun looks at Minseok with questions.

"Good grief Hoseok you can't just yell those things out," another guy says, smacking the one that spoke on his arm.

"His boyfriend came by earlier, remember?" one with permed hair says. And another smack ensues.

Minseok suavely avoids making eye contact while he pivots Baekhyun away from the group. "Chill, guys, he's my friend."

The permed haired one scoffs and mumbles, "player," under his breath, but if Minseok hears he doesn't react. 

 

"These are the shared showers," Minseok shows him to the room, "We have a 3-minute limit, but people usually don't adhere to that."

Baekhyun raises his eyebrow, and Minseok looks at him briefly, then away.

"What?"

"Nothing," Baekhyun says. Minseok moves to leave and Baekhyun says it conversationally, "Is it the guy from my school?"

Minseok looks uncomfortable, hell, his body language screams it, not looking Baekhyun in the eye when he says, "Yeah." He's not surprised. Not really.

"Cool," Baekhyun responds, just as aloof, "I'll be done in five minutes."

It's less showering and more hacking, when a voice he recognises from earlier goes, "You okay bro? Want a lozenge?" He's scooping up the petals that gather around the drain pipe, too large to wash down. Even if others can't see it, it's too conspicuous in fiery orange. He's still in shorts while flushing them down a toilet when Minseok returns. Hurriedly, he pulls on his jeans and sweaters and bullets out of the dorm, hoping he doesn't hear a word from anyone by accident again.

 

_Even when I do nothing but look down, everything seems so far away._  
_Somewhere at the edge of my vision, my love may be lying down._  
_Or perhaps my love is bursting flower buds._

 

  


 

Baekhyun convinces himself that flipping through the books he took from home will count as studying for final exams. He lingers on the chapter of roses, then hurriedly flips past it. Deciding to shut it entirely, he checks the Grecian types of love, thumbing through it lazily. He shuts that too, not feeling like doing much. Sighing, he wonders why Minseok didn't say anything before reminding himself he doesn't need to know. Minseok doesn't need to tell him anything. But surely as his best friend- was he even his best friend? 

Baekhyun isn't good at much, except overthinking.

"You're really pathetic, you know."

Baekhyun groans. "I do know."

"Well, I can't blame you. You've harboured yourself quite the field."

Baekhyun shifts to look at him. "Is that what they are?" he says in wonder. "It's my feelings? The flowers are because of how I feel?"

Jongdae smiles and gives him a finger gun. "It's feelings, alright."

Baekhyun opens the box of orange petals he has on his desk, fingering the large soft petals. He put the other colours in a box too, after he realised that they didn't decay. 

"But the colour of those petals aren't your feelings. They're Minseok's."

"What?"

Jongdae looks at him with a look he can't determine. Sadness, pity? It's definitely one of those. 

"You have until the petals become red, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun swallows. "Or what?"

"You have to tell him."

"I have until the petals are red to tell him how I feel?"

"No. You have until the petals are red before you die."

 

_When flowers wither, where do they go?_  
_The world begins with little things—_  
_wildflowers that bloom without sound_  
_under the bright sunlight._  
_In my heart, they tell me as if a hallucination_  
_that they have vulnerable insides_  
_and that they have sorrow, cold and clear._  
_When it gets cloudy and the sleet falls,_  
_with the sound of a blue tendon breaking and murmuring,_  
_soon petals rustle down._  
_Like tears, like smoke,_  
_they lie fallen down on the ground like people._  
_In the place the flowers fell, time has already come_  
_When flowers fall, where do they go?_  
_What border do they go beyond?_  
_Under what name do they get buried?_

  
  
  



	6. Orange

  
  


His poetry professor slaps his essay on the table when he walks into class, which is a great effort since the lecture is in an amphitheatre. It has everyone staring, and Baekhyun shoves it into his bag quickly before the class begins. Mr Kim looks as if he wants Baekhyun to look at it, but he turns and makes his way back to the platform to begin the class. There's still some residual gossip and glances in his direction, but it's dissolved by the starting lesson.

After class, a girl calls out to him. He recognises her as one that sits in the second row. 

"You're Baekhyun right? We're having a study party for this final, and we were wondering if you would come?"

"Uh, sure, who is 'we'?"

"The entire class, really. We realise that you never really talk to anyone so you must not have known. We've got the student assistant facility."

The girl is right. Baekhyun speaks to almost no one in any of his classes. He doesn't have any college friends. In his defence, he didn't have a lot of friends back home either. Minseok was always enough. 

"Yeah..?"

"Hyejin," the girl says with a smile. She bounces a little on her feet and Baekhyun feels like she's way too excited about the arrangement. 

"I'm Baekhyun," he tells her.

She giggles, "I know. Give me your number and I'll text you the details?" 

Baekhyun willingly exchanges phones and saves his number. 

"You got a text, and I saw it, I'm sorry. Minseok can't make it. Talk to you later, Baekhyun!" She passes his phone back and waves as she heads off with her friends, and Baekhyun feels really tense. 

"Bye Hyejin," he mumbles, headed back home.

 

  


 

He's half asleep with the tv blaring, emotionally exhausted with the day. He'd come home and restocked the fridge with Minseok's beer and did the laundry down the street at the laundromat before coming home and putting on Persuasion. Earlier, the landlord had called to say the water was back, so at least he didn't have to go to Minseok's to shower anymore. Honestly, it took longer than necessary to fix. It's been five days now of Minseok's late, "Hey, still need to come over?" and briskly walking in and out of the dorms. 

Despite his reluctance to spill, Minseok was still his best friend, and he would respect his space. Baekhyun was upset, but only because he could never find the right time, or have the right words. And then, did he really want to tell Minseok anything? He couldn't even guess the older's reaction. Would he be angry? Would he shut Baekhyun out? Or- worse- would he think Baekhyun was making fun of him? His throat is dry with the feeling and sleepily, he reaches up to massage it.

"Hey, you okay?"

He feels the bed dip, a warm body next to him and his eyes flutter open. 

"Ugh, why are you here?" he mumbles. It was Jongdae disguised as Minseok again. He was too sleepy for this. 

"I can leave if you want. I kinda wanted to talk? Or we could just hang out, I love the end of this movie." 

He sleepily nods and the elder settles behind him on the bed and slips an arm around him as he drifts back to sleep. 

He forgot to eat, evidently, because he sits bolt upright at the smell of cheap ramyun cooking. Minseok snorts from the kitchenette, stirring. 

"You were snoring, I'm glad you woke up."

Baekhyun yawns, head pounding, "I thought you were busy?"

"I didn't want to cancel on you again," Minseok says. He motions for Baekhyun to join him at the coffee table and puts down separate bowls of ramyun.

Baekhyun nods and digs in. "So, how come you didn't tell me you guys got together?" Someone else has to be talking from his body because his calm is great. 

"I didn't want to spring it on you, in case you were uncomfortable. I really like him Baekhyun. Like, a lot."

Baekhyun is still Minseok's friend. So he smiles and bites back his cough. "I don't mind, Minseok. Once we can still hang out." He swallows the "and still be friends," because he can't bring himself to say it.

Minseok smiles, "Thank you for being so understanding Baek. You're honestly the greatest."

"Hey, you're my best hyung."

"I'm your only hyung. Kidding." Minseok laughs when Baekhyun gives him a sour look. He really does look happy, and Baekhyun smiles with him despite the horrible pit in his stomach and pain in his chest.

"So...tell me about him, then?"

"His name is Jongdae, and he's actually in your programme," Minseok says, eyes shining and cheeks pink. 

Baekhyun wonders how he managed to guess that one.

 

  


 

It so happens that when Hyejin said 'study party' what she meant was 'tutor party' as she quickly explains when she meets Baekhyun to escort him to the student facility. And when she says 'tutor' she means 'Baekhyun' he quickly finds out, after walking into the room and every head swivels in his direction. The talking has stopped and everyone is staring, and Hyejin motions for him to keep standing when she takes a seat. 

A random guy hands him a chalk and eraser only saying, "It's blackboard." Before taking a seat and he's aware of every eye on him. Sure, he loves a spotlight, but he doesn't know anyone here and he doesn't know why.

"Uh, I'm confused?" 

Hyejin looks guilty when some people look at her, "You agreed to come right? To the study party?"

"Yeah but I- " he holds up the chalk and duster in question, and she blanches.

"Why, you’re not going to help us study?" Someone else asks. Baekhyun thinks his name is Dongwon.

"I thought we were all going to study together," Baekhyun says in exasperation. 

Dongwon scoffs. "So you're a show off because you got the highest class mark in projects? Wow, that's rich. Why'd you think this would work, Hyejin?"

"He did say yes," one of Hyejin's friends pipes up.

"Yeah, he's so stuck up he doesn't even talk to anyone in class," another guy says.

Baekhyun chokes on his spit, "Wait, wait? I'm really confused?! I was asked to come, not to tutor? I'm not ready for this?"

They get quiet for a little.

"So you'll do it?" Someone asks. 

"I mean, I don't really know what I'm supposed to help with?"

"Well there has to be a reason Mr Kim likes you," Dongwon says.

"You were the only A in projects. Everyone got C and under," Hyejin says. 

"How do you even know that? That's dumb for a first-year course," Baekhyun scoffs.

"This is a second-year course, Baekhyun. The grades were posted."

"Oh, well." He scratches his head. Maybe it's his Dad's influence, or Minseok's persistence that he manages to even understand poetry. "All I could tell you is the process I used to uncover the literary devices..."

There are some hasty nods.

"Let's do Seo Jung-ju!"

"No, Submission!"

"But symbolism was the dumbest topic so far," someone whines.

"But foreshadowing was a bitch, though." 

Baekhyun partly feels overwhelmed, but he's fairly confident he knows these things to some degree.

"How about we start with the poems that will come for finals?" he suggests, turning to make a list on the chalkboard.

"How do you know what's coming for finals?" someone asks. 

Baekhyun shrugs, "Call it a feeling?"

 

  


 

"And they ganged up on you?" 

"Yes, it was so weird," Baekhyun says into the phone, laughing, "I had no idea but it was...really cool. It was even cooler that I knew what I was talking about."

"I guess poetry might be your calling," Minseok replies, "your dad might be onto something, the apprenticeship is a good idea."

"Really? I thought it might be the spotlight," he chuckles.

"Behind a podium is hardly a spotlight," Minseok laughs. "I'll talk to you later, I'm on my way to pick up Jongdae."

"Baekhyun?" Minseok asks when he doesn't reply.

"Oh yeah I heard you. Thought I heard a trumpet in the background,"

"Yeah, there is some band gathering where I am,"

Baekhyun looks back at the school band in the courtyard, where he just passed.

"What year is Jongdae in, Minseok?"

"He's in second year, why do you ask?"

"Just curious," he tells him. "I'll talk to you later, then." Usually he would linger to see him, but he doesn't really want to see them together. That, and his throat is already clogged and spilling over.

 

  


 

Minseok actually comes over this Wednesday, and Baekhyun is startled when he walks in because his classes are over until exams begin. He thought Minseok would be studying or hanging out with Jongdae, his boyfriend, instead of being here.

"I'm here," he says, dropping his bag, "But I'm here to study." Baekhyun snorts from his Chinese transliterations, "All we do is study."

"Not on Wednesdays. On Wednesdays we wear pink." Baekhyun laughs at Minseok's trash joke. The plan goes to hell an hour after they study, and Minseok decides to take a break by having a beer. Baekhyun can't exactly study for Creative Writing and Writing About Literature, so they get into bed and argue for twenty minutes until they settle on the Little Women BBC special.

Minseok orders pad thai and Baekhyun makes popcorn, devoting three hours of precious study time to the television.

"Imagine loving someone that doesn't love you back," Minseok sighs heavily, watching Laurie pine after Jo.

"Yeah, imagine," Baekhyun replies, stuffing popcorn in his mouth. 

When Beth dies they both cry ugly tears, Minseok flat out nuzzling into Baekhyun's shoulder.

"Oh no," he gasps, "the roses she planted died too. This is so sad."

Baekhyun wonders why he agreed to watch this in the first place.

 

  


 

His first-semester final exams pass too slowly and too quickly all at once. He spends most of his day studying and writing poetry anyway, pen flowing easily over paper after Minseok leaves. The elder knows any time spent with Baekhyun would involve slacking off, and he wants to spend time with Jongdae too, since the holidays are coming up.

Their relationship is progressing quickly, Baekhyun thinks. Jongdae is one lucky bastard. Meeting someone after the awkwardness of growing up together, after they know who they are and what they want. It's fresh and clean there. Love can bloom so purely, free of expectations and shared history.

He sighs down at his poem and flips back to his art history textbook. He wonders if Les Amoureux had a happy ending.

 

  


 

"I'm free!" Minseok yells into the phone. Baekhyun smiles into his bag of chips. 

"Finally, gosh. What do they make you guys do? Sew up a body?"

"Something like that," Minseok admits, and Baekhyun gags a little. "Anyway, you're leaving on Thursday, right? I can hitch a ride back home with Mr Byun?"

"Why do you bother to ask," Baekhyun mutters, frowning down on his chips.

"It's more of a confirmation," Minseok teases, "I'll come over in the week to move my stuff over for the holidays, but I kinda want to spend time with Jongdae before he leaves."

Baekhyun ignores his stomach flop. "Yeah whenever. I'm just at home eating junk and watching Chinese dramas."

"There's an end of year party-"

"Nah," Baekhyun says without hesitation, "I'm good."

"Are you sure?" 

Baekhyun is surprised he's even asking. "I'm working on the portfolio, in and out."

"Okay, well, I'll see you later."

"Yeah."

 

 _Where have flowers bloomed but never trembled?_  
_Even those most beautiful_  
_all trembled as they blossomed,_  
_and as they shook, stalks grew firm._  
_Where is there a love which is never shaken?_  
_Where have flowers bloomed though never been made wet?_

 

  


 

He noticed Jongdae had been strangely absent through exams, but now that he had a lot less to do, it was only a matter of time before he showed up.

He's combing through the stack on his table, the petals, no matter how old, don't seem to wither in the slightest. They're still large, clear and beautiful. It doesn't look like he hacked them up whenever his heart ached for Minseok.

He appears as suddenly as he vanishes, and Baekhyun looks up from his Netflix account. There are petals scattered on his laptop and he brushes them off with a sigh.

“Can you at least tell me what it is?”

Jongdae is quiet, so he goes back to logging in and browsing the recommended list.

“It’s called Hanahaki.”

Quickly, he switches a tab and Jongdae is patient while he googles the name.

_“하나하키병 is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies.”_

“Ah, it’s fictional? And of course, there’s no cure. Why did I expect you to be helpful.” 

“As you can see,” Jongdae indicates the petals, “it is most definitely not.”

He spares a glance at his illusion, and Jongdae looks contemplative.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun blurts out, “is there a cure?” The other had failed to acknowledge his own acknowledgement.

“There is… a solution. But no other cure than him loving you back.”

Baekhyun nearly flings his laptop off himself. “What is it?” Jongdae looks hesitant. “Jongdae, what is it?”

“You should tell him,” he says. Baekhyun waves him off, no chance. Jongdae shakes his head but offers an expression of pity.

“It’s a surgery. It will remove the flowers-”

“What? Why didn’t you say this before? I can just get the surgery and end this. Tell me what to do, I’ll do it.” Finally, some hope. Baekhyun is determined to just move on.

“To get the surgery, you’ll have to ask Minseok.”

Baekhyun nods along, already sold. “He won’t know it’s him. I can just lie. If I pretend its someone else… he won’t ask. Does he know what it is?”

“As a medical student… he should.”

“Fine, yeah,” Baekhyun is already picking up his phone.

“Then, if you’re serious…” Jongdae fixes him with a serious gaze.

“Then what? It will work right?” Baekhyun urges when Jongdae seems hesitant to reply.

“It will work. But…”

Of course. “But?”

“Once the petals are removed, it will take all your memories of him with it. Of every moment until now. Of everything that led up to this.”

Baekhyun sags back into his bed. He _couldn’t_. Minseok was in every part of his life. Minseok was _most_ of his life. And even if Minseok couldn’t love him, Baekhyun didn't want to forget him because of it. Petals catch in his throat again and he coughs and spits them out.

“I can’t do that,” Baekhyun responds, whispers. “There has to be another way.”

Jongdae’s stare is blank and sympathetic.

“How can I remove him? I’ve known him all my life.” He’s shattered. It's a hard choice to make.

“I can’t do it,” he pleads, tears brimming. 

“Then you die,” Jongdae says, still staring at him.

 

  


 

"Jongdae's coming for our New Year's Party! You guys can finally meet!" Minseok gushes, hopping on Baekhyun's bed. They're back home for winter break, and instead of tv Baekhyun is buried in his father's books instead. 

"That's- great! I can't wait!"

"He's coming all the way from Daegu for the holiday." Minseok smiles. "Will you make him some of your dak ggalbi? Yours is the best I know!"

Baekhyun nods. "I can try to make Mom's American style pie too? If you're interested." Minseok nods enthusiastically.

"Okay, time for your present," Minseok says, holding out his expectantly. He didn't have to get him something, but he insisted especially since Baekhyun got him something every year.

They swap and Baekhyun opens his present, looking up to see Minseok's expression.

"Troye Sivan?" they say in unison, Minseok facepalming and Baekhyun admiring the curve of his lips. They had gotten each other the same album, too.

"Boy, it sure is a good thing I had this just in case," Minseok said, pulling out another package from in his coat. Baekhyun opens it to reveal a collectors edition Wuthering Heights, leather bound and gold edged.

"Oh my God, thank you Minseok," he breathes. Minseok always took his breath away, no matter what. He hugs him, big and warm and soft. 

"You helping out your mom with the greenhouse? You smell like roses," Minseok says. He coughs and changes the subject, handing him a bag from under the bed.

"Oh and by the way, you can have this old sweatshirt I had lying around,"

"Baekhyun, this is Buried Alive," Minseok tells him, after opening.

"Mhm? Yeah I guess." It's Minseok's favourite brand. 

"Baekhyun, you _wrapped_ it," Minseok explains.

"Well, I guess… Merry Christmas?" He grins, and Minseok punches him lightly on the arm, a soft thank you following. He tells him that Jongdae should arrive the day after tomorrow morning, so they can all hang out, and he'd be staying over until the new year has started. Minseok's mom plans to make donkatsu, and they'll play video games. Baekhyun smiles and agrees, wondering if it was too late to go to Bali with his parents tomorrow.

 

  


 

"You're still sick?" Minseok asks. Baekhyun sneezes and mumbles affirmatively. "I made some soup, but I'm sneezing on everything it's so gross."

Minseok sighs, "Can't you at least make the party? It's New Years Baek, you're always here."

"I'll try," he hacks into a tissue. 

"You sound horrible,"

"I feel horrible," Baekhyun groans.

"Well if you feel better you can always stop by."

"Thanks Minseok," he says throatily, "have fun." He ends the call and sprawls on his bed feeling like the worse piece of shit in the world for faking and cancelling on Minseok, but he won't pretend he's happy to meet Jongdae. No, he can't pretend he's happy, because Jongdae has Minseok, and Minseok is all he wants.

 

  


 

_Empty._

It's forty minutes until midnight and all Baekhyun has managed to do is finish Wuthering Heights and a bottle of wine that he hopes his mom won't miss from her collection.

He's been avoiding it, finding out the meaning of these petals, but now is a good time as any. He's too tipsy to focus on anything, and he sincerely hopes it puts him to sleep. His head snaps up at the sound of a stray firework, and he looks forlornly at the top of Minseok's house. He can make out the decorations in the backyard, but he doesn't want to look too close. He doesn't want to see Minseok or feel hollow because he hurts without being next to him, and it's his own fault. It's Baekhyun's fault he loves Minseok so much that he can't stand seeing him with someone else; it's his fault that he's obsessed with his best friend. He sobs dryly, because Minseok is perfect, who wouldn't love him? Who was he to think that this would end well for him? 

Tapping on his phone he pulls it up. Orange roses, passion and sexual desire. He's sick, he's sick, head spinning and chest squeezing. His heart is going so fast, but he just feels empty.

The New Year fireworks do little to startle him, sounding far away. He closes his eyes to make a wish. Baekhyun wishes he can let Minseok be happy. He wishes he can let go. He wishes the choice didn't mean his life.

"Happy New Year, Baekkie!" his phone dings, a painful squeeze in his chest. 

"Happy New Year hyung! All your dreams should come true this year!"

Baekhyun can only hope that his does too. A baseless hope at that. He knows he is only feeling sorry for himself. How could he even cry? It's his fault.

He watches the red spots on his sheets and barely registers them, fingers combing through the bed of petals as he stares at fireworks outside.

  
  
  



	7. Black

  
  


"Are you better you idiot? Only you can get sick when no one is around to take care of you." Minseok says, waltzing right in his room the day Jongdae leaves. Baekhyun panics and throws his pillow out the window, wincing when he hears glass shatter. 

The greenhouse. His mom is going to kill him.

"What was that?" Minseok asks. 

Baekhyun coughs, partially as a distraction, but mostly because Minseok's cheeks are pink from the cold, glowing with joy from residual thoughts of Jongdae. "A reflex?" he tries weakly, thickening in his throat making him cough more.

Minseok steps back a little at the excessive coughing. "Gosh, you look thin. I'll make you some tea, yeah? Get in bed. Stay there. Don't touch anything."

He doesn't bother to explain that he's not contagious. He feels guilty, but technically he is sick, he just doesn't know what to do about it. No vitamin C or antibiotic would stop him coughing up the fucking flowers blooming in his heart.

 

  


 

Minseok makes it a habit to come by every day, and Baekhyun is running out of ways to hide his clothes, sheets, scraps of paper with discarded lines, his feelings- Now that he thinks about it, he's hiding a lot of things. And it's not that he wants to. He just can't bring himself to talk about it- or talk, throat swollen. 

Minseok had been cleaning up his room, as he often does because Baekhyun is tidy but he's not Minseok tidy, when he found Biscuit's tin under his bed. He wouldn't consider himself irresponsible, but he wasn't Minseok. Biscuit had been his own in a way he could have nothing else. The turtle was Minseok's best gift, and as lame as it sounded he never quite recovered from the loss. 

The older holds it up in wonder, a hint of a frown on his face as he recalls it. 

"Do you remember this?" he asks. Baekhyun is in the middle of a sonnet or something, some long-winded thing about a bard and a canoe, when he asks. He doesn't want Minseok to ask, he doesn't want Minseok to glimpse his obsessive personality and complete inability of detachment. He doesn't want to seem pathetic, so he shrugs and says, "Some old biscuits?"

Minseok's shoulder visibly sags when he says it, and he wants to correct himself but it would only look worse. Minseok seems content to drop it, moving from under the bed and picking up stuff from Baekhyun's floor.

"You really don't remember?"

Baekhyun blinks up at him. His throat is too tight to speak.

"Biscuit? The turtle?" 

Baekhyun could only shake his head in bewilderment as Minseok gets visibly worked up. 

"Guess you were too young then," he mumbles barely to himself and dumps the tin in his room's dustbin.

 

  


 

Later that night after Minseok leaves he's out in the snow digging in the garbage until his mother yells at him to get out of the snow. He should have found it by now? Where is it? His nose is cold, and he could hardly feel his face, teeth chattering and snow soaking into his shoes.

"What did you lose?" his mother asks him, keeping him at a distance as he peels off his foul-smelling coat. She looks like she wants to scold him, but Baekhyun can't be bothered.

"It's Biscuit's tin mom, I threw it away by accident and I- I need to get it back mom it's his-" Baekhyun is babbling, but he's upset, and he's cold, and why would Minseok throw it away-?

"Honey," his mom says, gently, "You had Biscuit when you were a kid, do you still miss him?"

"I'm still a kid," Baekhyun wails, he wants to cry but he's too dehydrated from crying all night last night. "I still need Biscuit, he's mine! I need to take care of him!"

His mother looks alarmed, and somehow, he registers that he is losing it and might be having a full-on panic attack. His mother watches him with worried eyes as he hyperventilates, pacing the living room back and forth. 

"It's okay, sweetie. It's ok for those you love to go. Biscuit's moved on Baekhyun. You have to move on too." 

He goes still, eyes probably red, and he hates himself. He hates himself for lying and for overreacting, and not saying what he truly means. He can never get the right words out and honestly, all he can hold on to is an empty tin from childhood. He gathers his bearings just enough and nods to his mother, slowly making his way up the steps. He misses the way her eyes follow after him in worry.

The next few days Minseok comes over, he just closes his eyes and pretends to sleep. He hears his mom tell Minseok that he's still sick, that he can stay if he wants, that Baekhyun won't eat or come out of his room. In just a couple more days, he'll be back at school, back on his own and even more alone now than he's ever been in his life.

 

  


_We kindle fire_  
_toward the pain_  
_that resembles ourselves._  
_The night in the forest beyond the window_  
_tosses its body for a deeper quiet._

_Till I confirm my clean death_  
_I will be absent,_  
_keeping a beautiful distance from whoever sparks a flame,_  
_and warming my heart little by little._

  


 

  


 

School restarts before he knows it, but his break was short and totally overwhelming. He doesn't have to fake the sniffle when he and Minseok hops a ride back with his dad to Seoul, but he does fake sleeping when Minseok nudges him to nap against his shoulder during the ride.

They're quiet with each other, both angry for the same incident, but trying to play it off coolly. Baekhyun knows it was his fault, knows he was dumb to lie about something so small, so important.

"We buried him under where the swings were," he admits suddenly over their mackerel dinner, "We gave him five strawberries- three you stole from your mom's garden. I was worried two wouldn't be enough."

He looks up to Minseok staring at him, mouth pressed together thinly. He swallows his guilt but barrels on.

"It was my fault he died, wasn't it? I probably forgot to feed him or something. I was too young to be responsible for another life." He laughs shakily and digs into the fish, stirring it around but not eating.

It's quiet for very long, Baekhyun pushing food around on his plate and avoiding eye contact.

"It's my fault he died," Minseok says. His tone is dead, but Baekhyun snaps at attention. "Biscuit was a tortoise, not a turtle," he says, meeting Baekhyun's eyes before getting up to clear the table.

 

  


 

Minseok, once again very easily helps him sign up for his classes and draw a schedule out. He's bunking at Baekhyun's apartment until the paperwork is sorted out for the new semester and he can go back to living in the campus buildings. Jongdae's not back yet either, but they still talk multiple times a day. It's kind of sickening, but at least Minseok has the decency to go outside or to the bathroom (Baekhyun doesn't think into it) when they do. He uses the opportunity to cough out petals and stuff them away.

He kind of pretends that Minseok is a nuisance, especially when he chides him about the portfolio, but he's grateful he's around. They work in unison, a kind of relaxed familiarity that comes with years of camaraderie. He hopes Minseok's enthusiasm about the new semester can rub off on him somehow, since he's too caught up in his own mind to focus on anything else. 

His poetry has been coming in sporadic lines, lumped together enough to sound artsy. Minseok critiques them all, but never once asks about the content. They're all about love, love specifically, and by Baekhyun's own judgement they're sort of intense. But he never asks, so he never gets to explain, they're all about him. They both get their books, Minseok combing through his texts before selling them back to the bookstore. He's really excited for the semester to start, because they'll finally be attending at the hospital, and he can finally practice medicine. This is what his life has been leading up to. 

Baekhyun smiles with him and allows Minseok to talk about any and every medical problem. He knows he's excited for the semester to start so he can see Jongdae too, but he forces his smile from dropping at the animated discussion for fear of Minseok pulling away again.

 

  


 

Minseok comes over after attending to tell him stories about what he did. Today, a little girl with an ear infection gave him a lollipop, and he brought it for Baekhyun. He's flipping through the Merck manual when he asks him, "I don't know what to get him for Valentine's day."

Baekhyun pauses while doing the dishes from his attempt at making Chinese noodles. It wasn't that bad, but he hopes it isn't as bitter coming back up. Not to be obvious, he picks up the plate that he dropped.

"Got any ideas?"

He's cool. He's got this. "Maybe something not too intense?" Hopefully. "But thoughtful?"

"I guess that could work? I already got him a Lokai bracelet for Christmas, so I don't know what might be appropriate."

Baekhyun hinders the thought that it's because Minseok doesn't know him enough. "What about flowers?"

"Flowers?" Minseok parrots. There's a smile in his voice that makes Baekhyun glad that he's facing away.

"Yeah, like they all have meanings and stuff. Get him something that means what you want to say."

"Like what?"

Red...pink...they're all too precious, he thinks. "Like, how lilac roses means 'love at first sight,' something like that."

"Oh my god, Baek, that's perfect!"

"Oh?" He’s cleaning this one dish very well.

"Gosh you're the best!" 

He startles when he feels Minseok's arms wrap around him. It feels horribly domestic and surreal, and his chest clenches.

"No problem," he manages weakly as Minseok nuzzles into his neck.

"Can I crash here tonight? I think I drank too much."

Minseok definitely drinks way too much for a student. "You're always welcome, idiot."

Minseok hums and takes off his pants before climbing into Baekhyun's bed. He lets out a heavy sigh and finishes cleaning up, lying carefully so as to not touch Minseok in bed. He stares at him until he falls asleep, the line of his nose and the pout of his lips as he makes quiet snores.

 

  


 

Minseok shows up a week later with a bouquet of beautiful purple roses, and Baekhyun's heart hammers in his chest. It's not hard to resent the things when Minseok shoves it in his face.

"What do you think? Do you like them?" he grins.

"Ugh," Baekhyun says, batting them away, "get that away from me." The smell immediately makes him feel nauseous and he pulls a face. 

Minseok pouts a little. "I thought you loved flowers?"

"It's not me who has to like them," Baekhyun bites out in irritation, "But I'm sure Jongdae will."

Minseok quirks an eyebrow and sets his present aside. "Are you okay Baekhyun?" He asks in concern, hand on his forehead. Minseok is so touchy, how can he even touch him.

"I-I've been feeling a little sick, recently," he admits. Understatement of the century. Like he hasn't been hacking his guts out every couple hours, like there hasn't been pools of blood afterwards.

"I know you’ve been losing weight. What are your other symptoms? You can always come over to the clinic and I'll work it out."

Very briefly the sound of Jongdae's voice rings in his ear, and he physically waves it off. Minseok's eyebrows scrunch together and God, he's so devastatingly beautiful in everything that he does, Baekhyun wishes he could live just to look at him. 

"Um, it's just a passing thing, I'm sure. Like a bug? Yeah. Maybe exhaustion." He stammers out as he feels something at the back of his throat.

"Do you- do you need me to cancel my date? We can always go out another time. I'll call him to pick up the flowers though-" Minseok springs into action and Baekhyun panics.

"No! I'm great!" He lightly pushes Minseok towards the door, "It's Valentine's Day! How could you even consider flaking?" His voice is too shrill, so Minseok stands his ground. 

"I can't go out if you're not well, you baby," Minseok says, folding his arms. 

"But, it's Valentine's Day," he protests weakly. He wants to tell Minseok to stay, to forget Jongdae, to what- love him? Ha. How even? He gags and Minseok reaches out for him.

"I'm fine," he whines out. 

Minseok gives him a look, then pulls him in for a hug. "I will stay, Baek. If you need me to."

"Don't miss your date," he tells him quietly. Minseok sighs and kisses his forehead. "Call me if anything happens, okay? Anything at all. I'll come running."

"My hero," Baekhyun rolls his eyes. He forgets to add the snark to his comment, so it comes out needy instead. He winces.

"I'm serious," Minseok chides, biting his lips. Baekhyun just shakes his head, not trusting his next sentence to not beg Minseok to stay. The door closes with a soft click, and Baekhyun can't make it anywhere before he collapses, petals all over the floor and blood on his sweater. 

 

  


 

"Baek!" Minseok stumbles in loudly and Baekhyun only glimpses the look on his pale face before rushing over to him. Minseok all but collapses in his arms. 

"Minseok!" Baekhyun drags him over to the couch and sits him down, gripping his shoulder. "Are you okay? What happened?"

The elder fidgets, tugging at the neck of his sweater and shaking his head, "Gosh Baek, some idiot came into the ER today- the doctors were dealing with a three-car smash up, most of the interns were there... I was the only one around to see him- he came in on a stretcher- he was on some stupid diet and drank some shit and he only had minutes- I had to put in the tube and pump his stomach- it was so scary Baek...the nurses helped but- I can handle blood but- I had to do it. I had to save him-"

Minseok bolts up suddenly, looking shaken, and gets up to vomit in the bathroom sink. Baekhyun rubs his back and gives him some ginger tea but Minseok is still pale, sick from the procedure he had to do.

Minseok careens forward into him, face buried in his neck as his breathing evens out. Baekhyun hugs him securely.

"That's really scary hyung, is he ok now? You saved him right? You got all the poison out?"

Minseok nuzzles into his neck. "Yeah, I saved him. Just barely, until a senior doctor took over and I could leave. And it wasn't poison, it was hydrogen peroxide."

"The thing you put on cuts? That can kill you?"

"Well, FYI you shouldn't put it on cuts because it doesn't clean anything and it's actually fucking terrible for you."

The swear startles him to jerk away, and the look Minseok gives him is so intense, gaze unwavering, that Baekhyun's cheeks heat up and he has to look away. 

"Do you feel better?" he asks, scratching his nail. Minseok sighs heavily, sagged against him with fatigue.

"I feel better now," he mumbles. Baekhyun looks over and sees his eyes drooped, breathing slowly moving deeper. He pulls off Minseok's hat and plays with his hair as he falls asleep, worried about people dying in front of him, worried about dying.

 

  


 

It's harder to make it through a whole class without leaving to throw up, and while it helps that people can't see the petals, they can still see the blood, he finds out, when a girl sees him throw up behind a tree and freaks out. She doesn't notice the bright orange, because there's too much red, but she walks him to the nurse's office and asks him if he wants her to stay with him.

"I called my friend," he explains, and as soon as she leaves he heads back to his apartment, skipping his second and third classes altogether.

It's nearly spring, but it's still snowing heavily outside. Baekhyun doesn't even remember the days, because everything feels cold, and every moment without Minseok is empty. He's not even sure of his courses- he's barely sat through one whole class. And he had done so well last semester. This, he supposes, is how someone with a terminal illness feels, knowing that their days are numbered, and the time they have left is limited. 

 

  


 

His chest hurts everytime he breathes now, and he can no longer blame it on the winter, because the air has been getting warmer. Minseok prattles on about pneumonia, but Baekhyun firmly denies it. He's mostly lucky that Minseok is too busy to notice, even if it means that he's prancing around with Jongdae. 

"Don't say you're too sick for lunch," Minseok grumbles into the phone, "Or I'm coming and dragging you to the clinic."

He sighs heavily and rubs at his chest. "Yeah, I'll come."

Minseok cheers, and he can't help but smile. He hopes these stupid petals can just relax for an hour just so he can see him without an issue. He can throw up all the stupid things when he gets back home.

"Are you sure you feel okay? You look like shit," is the first thing Minseok says.

He shrugs, noticing the pink of his lips, " Shakespearean Lit is a bitch, really."

Minseok frowns but they find a table in the cafe, and Minseok motions to a waitress to come over. Just then, Jongdae calls, so he gets up to take the call and motions to Baekhyun to order for him.

The waitress smiles at him with a look in her eye, but he smiles back politely. 

"A Philly cheese steak sandwich and a chicken pancetta supremo, extra bacon please."

"And to drink?"

His gaze flits over to Minseok, "A tall Americano, nothing added."

"And some peppermint tea for your cough?"

"Sure, thanks," he smiles as he hands back the menus. He’s been coughing so much he doesn’t even realise it now. He could at least wear jackets to hide the weight loss.

"So, how long have you two been together," the waitress says with a wink. Baekhyun's eyes widen in horror. 

"Oh, no we're not-"

"So it's just you then?" Baekhyun freezes and the waitress just nods. "I know how it is, keep your chin up."

She walks away leaving Baekhyun stunned. Minseok slides into his seat only moments after, watching the expression on Baekhyun's face.

"What just happened?"

"Oh nothing, the waitress said she liked my sweater,” he stammers out.

Minseok gives him a cautious smile. "Well, the colour is really nice. So um..."

Baekhyun tries to recover from his shock a little, Minseok looking at him carefully. "What?"

"Jongdae wants to join us for lunch. He's finished his class, and he's in the area."

What? No. Baekhyun's suddenly aware of the tightness in his chest.

Minseok picks up on his less than happy reaction, "Is...is that ok?"

He feels like he's suffocating. "I- really don't think that's a good idea.." 

The older looks at him confused, and his expression quickly shifts to one of irritation.

"Is something wrong? I mean- I know that this is new for you- but-"

Baekhyun feels like his chest is about to explode, and he just might cry, "I really can't Minseok- I just-"

"What is with you Baekhyun?" the older practically shouts, "You have everything and still you insist on things always being your way! Just this once, this one thing I ask you to do. It's really important to me- I don't even know why I have to beg you. Are you even my friend at all?"

His chest is heaving just as much as his own, and he's huffing shallow breaths. This was it. It was now or never.

"I can't do it Minseok. It's-it's too painful for me," He looks up just to see the elder's confused face, and he licks his lips.

"B-because...I have a reason. I- I wanted to tell you this for a long time Minseok. I wanted to tell you in a better way-" a cough interrupts him, and he quickly swipes the moisture around his mouth.

"Baek-"

Baekhyun tilts his head back to stop the tears. "I love you, Minseok. I love everything about you."

"Baekhyun, I love you too, you're my be-"

Baekhyun shakes his head, cutting him off. "No, Minseok. I love you. I want you. I want to be with you. Only you. Romantically."

Scarily, Minseok is silent. But he's not looking at him, and Baekhyun knows he's being rejected. Hell, he's been rejected for a long time now. It's not like a confession can change that. He doubts words can fix the new rift that's about to form, but he might as well tell him everything.

"For as long as I've known you, I’ve loved you. Even now with your perfect boyfriend, I still love you. And I know I don’t belong in that place, but the thing is, I don't know how to not love you."

Minseok looks dumbfounded. Baekhyun swallows heavily at the tears pricking at his eyes and the cloying in his throat. He looks around the restaurant, at the people staring, whispering.

"And... I know you keep saying this is new for me... but I've known I was gay since I was twelve… maybe earlier. I suppose that's why your cousin Chanyeol hates me. Because it's always been you."

Minseok makes a noise but still won't look in his eye, and his throat feels terribly full. The silence stretches on, and Minseok clears his throat, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because there are some things I just can't say to you." It comes out as barely a whisper, but it’s needy and aggravating.

"Baekhyun..." Minseok looks uncomfortable, and Baekhyun won't drag this on any longer. He stands to leave, and Minseok automatically gets up with him.

"You should stay. Jongdae is on his way," Baekhyun says directly, a little self-pitying, before grabbing his bag and leaving. He walks home coughing all the way, violet petals stark against the snow. He makes a point to step on as much as he can.

 

  


_Others love their freedom, but I prefer submission._  
_It's not that I don't know freedom._  
_I just want to submit to you._

_If you tell me to submit to someone else,_  
_that's the only thing to which I can't submit._  
_If I submit to someone else, I can't submit to you._

  


 

When he gets home, he grabs his boxes and throws all the petals out, in fistfuls, out the window, down the toilet, in the garbage. He crushes them as much as possible, the good for nothing things. A reminder of a man he cannot have, who does not love him.

"Jongdae!" he yells. The idiot doesn't show up, and Baekhyun mopes in his solitude. Only half an hour into The Notebook, he coughs up a new colour spitting it out on his palm and grabbing his laptop.

His chest aches, but he doesn't cry. He doesn't even cry when he fills the toilet bowl with the new petals later. Death of a feeling or a relationship the book tells him. Baekhyun feels numb. The petals are black.

"You only turn up to goad, don't you?" he says in bursts. Jongdae watches over his shoulder as Baekhyun hugs the toilet bowl.

"Well done. You told him. Congratulations."

"What now? "Baekhyun scoffs at him. "It's not like I get to live."

Jongdae watches him evenly. "No, it's not. "

"I love him Jongdae. I love him so much. I don't know if I can ask him to love me back. You can't just love someone and expect that they feel the same way. You can't force someone to love you." He can feel the tears again, hot and ripe.

Jongdae stares at him until he spits up petals once more. 

 

  


 

He should be expecting it, but Minseok knocks on his door three days later after he realises Baekhyun has changed the passcode to his apartment.

Baekhyun opens the door only slightly and wedges himself through it. He doesn't want Minseok to see the mess inside, since he's barely had the energy to clean up after the barrage of petals following their last talk. He hopes he doesn't ask about how gaunt his face looks.

"I feel like I'm always doing this," Minseok chuckles. But he's nervous, and Baekhyun can tell. The last thing he wanted to do was make this difficult for Minseok.

"I understand that this can be confusing-"

"Don't do that," Baekhyun tells him, pained look on his face. "Don't try to make it out like I don't understand the gravity of this. Just reject me outright."

"I can't reject you Baek, you're my best friend."

Baekhyun gives him a small smile. "And you're my best hyung. But I don't expect anything from you, and I don't want you to be unhappy. You just needed to know."

"It's probably not love Baekhyun, I mean- it's maybe just a crush-"

"Would I ruin our friendship over a crush Minseok? I'm only two years younger than you, how immature do you think I am?"

Minseok looks down at his feet.

"I didn't even want to tell you but you- you made it impossible for me. You kept asking me to meet him but I couldn't. I can't, please at least understand why."

"Tell me," Minseok says, a whisper, "tell me why."

Baekhyun breathes harder than his body can handle and he shakes a little, "I can't tear myself apart any more than I already have. Meeting him- I won't be able to stop comparing- or regretting. I don't want to hate him. But I can't genuinely like him when you are his. I know you said that I have everything- please don't think I'm being greedy- I still support you but I can't- please understand."

Minseok swallows, and Baekhyun mimics the action for a different reason. Minseok's hand falls from where it tugged at his cardigan. He licks his lips, "But now- we're still good right?"

Baekhyun smiles tightly. He's happy for Minseok, he's just unhappy for himself. "Of course we're good. I can't hold your happiness against you."

Minseok nods after a minute, and steps back to allow Baekhyun to shut the door. Baekhyun swallows before meeting his eyes, but can't hold his gaze. 

Biting his lip and shutting the door, he should cry, he feels like this is the right time to cry, but all that escapes his throat is another heaving of blood and petals.

 

  
  


_Before I spoke his name_  
_he was simply_  
_one set of gestures, nothing more._

_Then I spoke his name,_  
_he came to me_  
_and became a flower._

_Just as I spoke his name,_  
_I hope that someone will speak my name,_  
_one right for my colour and perfume._  
_I long to go to him_  
_and become his flower._

 

  


 

Eight days later- no word from Minseok yet. He thinks he’s lost the ability to keep track of anything, and for the most part, he has. Still, Minseok is always on his mind. He pities himself, more than anything. The only thing he really does is flip through his notebook of poetry. His place is a mess, but so is he. His lips are chapped no matter how much water he tries to drink, every breath feels laden with the silken touch of petals. Shakily, he goes to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water, and again, like deja vu, the petals are in the sink. They've changed colour again, and Baekhyun dreads the meaning of these more than any. He leaves the tap on and grabs his cellphone, combing every link for a mistake or a difference. He didn't think he could cry anymore, but he does, sinking to the floor in sobs. Green- renewal, best wishes for a new life. Baekhyun doesn't know when he stops crying. Somehow, suddenly, Minseok has moved on.

"Jongdae?" he says tentatively to the dark space. 

He's not expecting the other to show up, but he does, sitting on the bed and looking at him pityingly. 

"You have to ask him for the surgery."

"No," Baekhyun chokes. "I can't."

"You're going to die."

"We all are," Baekhyun says, something of misery.

"Not like this," Jongdae tells him. "See you around, Baekhyun."

  
  


_When you feel like leaving_  
_Being disgusted seeing me_  
_I will let you go, gently,_  
_without a word of complaint._

_I will go to Yaksan Mountain,_  
_In Yongbyon_  
_And gather armfuls of azaleas,_  
_scattering them on the path before you._

_As you tread, step by step_  
_On those blossoming flowers_  
_Placed before you,_  
_Leave- go softly, lightly_

_When you walk out,_  
_sickened by the sight of me,_  
_Though I die,_  
_I’ll not let one tear fall._  


  
  
  



	8. Blue

  
  


It's been a week. He's barely moved from his bed and everything around him is stained, and he smells terrible. Well, he might smell terrible, but all he can detect is the roses, scent sweet and cloying. He can't even wear a mask to rid himself of the smell because it was coming from him. He can do with some light, but reaching for the window is too much effort. Bodily, he sits himself upright and puts on his laptop.

With the help of Google, he un-enrolls from his courses, composing a short letter to his department citing "personal difficulties" as the cause. He also sends an email to all his lecturers as well, informing them of his decision. They probably won't even know who it is, in the sea of students at the university, but Baekhyun feels a slight reassurance at the clean ending.

He continues sorting, unsubscribing to things and cancelling his emails, deleting his League account. The only thing left on his laptop after a while is his collection of poetry—he'd worked so hard on it—and he hovers over the delete button. His anthology is nearly 225 pages long. He doesn't remember writing so much, but time flies when you're trying to ignore your own misery. 

He thinks, belatedly, that he should mail it to his dad, so he can check it over and submit it to his colleague. At least, for a while, his dad would be happy about that. That he had finished what he wanted him to do.

Walking feels like physical pain, but he has to do this. He can't make this any harder on those he's leaving behind. He goes to the printer three streets down and mails two printed copies for his dad, one for Minseok, all to the same address. On his way back, he stops at the store to get some trash bags and buys three six packs of Minseok's beer.

The guy at the counter raises an eyebrow at him like he's planning a murder. "I'm going to need to see some ID."

Baekhyun shrugs and pulls it out, and the guy shakes his head at him. 

"I'm not supposed to sell this to you," he says, sliding the card back, "but you look like shit so I will." 

It startles a chuckle out of him.

"Need anything else?"

Baekhyun looks at the shelf on the side for a moment, then picks up a bottle of 60℅ hydrogen peroxide. Just in case it gets harder.

The guy behind the counter raises a brow at him.  
“It’s for stains,” he tells him.

Even though the cashier looks like he doesn’t believe him, the guys rings him up anyway.

 

  


 

He's eating fried chicken daily, despite the sickness he feels in his stomach, paired with the beer that he hates. It reminds him of Minseok's throaty laugh, and his crooked half smiles. The way the front of his hair curls into his face and the rosy pink of his cheeks. Baekhyun cries and smiles and spews petals. He isn't good for much else.

 

 _I pull out the nails driven into the heart_  
_and plant flowers in that place;_  
_I pull up the stake driven into the heart_  
_and plant flowers in that place._  
_If flowers were people's tears_  
_how beautiful would humans be?_  
_If flowers were people's dreams_  
_how beautiful would humans be?_

 

  


 

_Minseok didn't have any pets. He didn’t like the idea of having them._

_It wasn't that he didn't want any, he loved animals. When he gave Biscuit to Baekhyun, he insisted that they shared custody in case Baekhyun could not take care of him or needed a break. But Baekhyun had insisted on doing it on his own. He was a big boy, he could raise a turtle. His mom had told him it wasn't very hard either. But still Minseok fussed, and in the first few days, he'd come and check on Biscuit when he thought Baekhyun wasn't watching. Baekhyun caught him a few times but didn't say anything._

_His hyung was only looking out for Biscuit, his mom told him, so he shouldn't be sad Minseok didn't trust him. Because before that, Minseok did have a pet of his own. A cute kitten named Jack. Someday, Minseok let Jack out to play and couldn't find him for the rest of the afternoon.  
When he did find him, Jack was in Minseok's mom's plant pot and had blood on his head. _

_"Why was Jack in the plant pot, Mommy?" Baekhyun had asked his mom. She had said it nicer then. But Baekhyun knew why, even now._

_Minseok's cat had curled up to die._

_In a way, Baekhyun had, too._

 

  


 

He's cleaned every inch of the apartment spotless, did all his laundry and packed it away. All he has to do is take out the garbage after he's done eating. Instead, he busies himself drinking all of Minseok's beer from the fridge. Baekhyun is piss drunk and falls into a fitful sleep.

_"Baek, are you okay?"_

_"Hyung!" Baekhyun says excitedly. Then he frowns, "How did you get in?"_

_"You changed the password from my birthday to the day you got Biscuit. It's hardly cryptography."_

_He's barely listening to the answer, pulling on Minseok's sleeve. His hands are cold and he pouts._

_"Hyung! Do you know numbers? Let's play!"_

_When he dreams Minseok like this, it's a small reprieve. He knows what is waiting for him._

_"We're not kids anymore, Baekhyun."_

_Baekhyun pouts but ignores him. "I love you, hyung," he gurgles._

_"I know, baby. I know."_

_Minseok's face swims and he frowns._

_"It's Jongdae," he whines, "I don't like you. Go away."_

_"What am I going to do with you," Minseok sighs._

" _Cuddle?" he suggests, wishing everything would stop spinning, and that Minseok was his._

 

Baekhyun wakes up sore and disoriented, but it's not like if he had anything to do anyway. He's at least glad he put the beer and chicken in the trash, regardless of how drunk he was. He gets up to wash up, halfway to the bathroom before he sinks to the ground in pain.

 

  


 

Everywhere as far as he can see is bloody, and even his hands are covered. He can't swallow, he can't move, he's in pain. He wants to call Minseok, and his Mom and tell them that he loves them. He wants the pain to stop, he wants to be normal, but most of all, he just wants this to end.

 

  


 

The petals come in flurries of colours, some he's never seen before, even. He feels something, the size of a golf ball, in his throat, swelling, folding, choking, choking. He squeezes and scratches his throat, hoping it would help him get it out, desperate. Wheezing breath little by little, he gags and chokes. His throat can't stay open or closed. Tears pool in his eyes- he's suffocating. As much as he tries, it hurts, trying to cough up the mass of petals in his throat. 

Eventually, struggling, he's able to force it out, tears streaming from his eyes and his lips cracking as he spits it out. It feels long as he blindly reaches for it. Its all covered in blood, and he lets out a whimper at the fire in his throat. The stem is long and thorny, and at the top, a beautiful, large, red rose. Baekhyun falls, gasping behind his couch, broken, exhausted and dizzy. He's hit with a sudden memory of Minseok and Baekhyun just laughs, that even now he's still on his mind. 

 

  


Baekhyun hears the door open, footsteps padding inside where he can't move and remembers not locking the door after taking the garbage out last night.

It can only be Minseok or his mother, and in his state, he prays for the latter.

"Baek?" The footsteps pause and he hears a sharp inhale, though it sounds far away. "You know today is my birthday, right? Why aren’t you answering your phone? Are you really going to be like this?"

"Baek?" It's a little more urgent this time. Baekhyun cracks open his eyes, but it's dry and it burns. He's exhausted, his lips feel plastered together with the tired taste of rust and roses. 

He wants to call him, he doesn't want to be alone, but he can't bear Minseok seeing him like this. There's blood all over, dried and stuck to his shirt. His head is spinning so much that not even the ground feels solid.

He doesn't know if he wants Minseok to stay or go away. He opens his mouth to call to him, but what comes out instead is a dry heave. His throat is so raw he's not sure he can talk.

The next heaves shake him so badly, his chest feels like it's about to explode and even his bones hurt. Even lying down, he chokes out blood and petals. Still beautiful, still colourful. 

He doesn't even realise that the footsteps have made their way towards him. "Baekhyun!" Minseok shouts. He hears it from a distance. He doesn't want to be relieved, but he is. He is so relieved to see Minseok there. 

He wants to do the right thing, to respects Minseok's decision to put space between them, he really does, but Baekhyun can't think anymore. He's done thinking. He's dying. He's tired, too tired holding back his feelings and his stupid petals when he's this close to dying anyway. He uses all his energy to cling to Minseok and the other helps drag him in his lap. 

"You're sick, Baek? Why didn't you tell me?"

Baekhyun just wraps his aching arms around Minseok's waist and sobs dryly. Minseok cards his hands through his hair, and Baekhyun hates how much he loves the feeling. 

"You could have said something, you know? Is it because you didn't want me to worry?"

Baekhyun nods a little and holds on tighter. He feels so so tired, but it's okay, because Minseok is here now. He thankfully doesn't mention Jongdae, and Baekhyun is just glad he could go on holding Minseok; he’s so warm. His smell seems to chase away the pounding in his head, although his insides still feel like they're on fire. He's really just too tired, and as shitty as he feels for it, dying in Minseok's lap is the only way he wants to go. 

Baekhyun remembers in shock that he is dying, that he has to because he didn't, couldn't do the surgery. Even now with Minseok there, he can ask for it but he doesn't. He won't.

"You would have changed your mind," he manages to rasp out. It comes out muffled into Minseok's stomach, but the older understands him, as always. "It may have, but for good reason," Minseok admits, "There's so much coagulated blood, there's so much blood, in general."

Baekhyun whimpers silently as he feels the movement of Minseok's even breathing, feels the hand in his hair. Suddenly, the hand stops.

"Baekhyun, are those...petals?"

Immediately dread fills him, rises in his throat and wait- no- He vomits heavily on Minseok, and the older looks in shock at his lap. He can't look more shocked than Baekhyun, who looks up at Minseok's beautiful face before looking down. There's no blood this time. In his lap, like a bouquet, the petals are a beautiful assortment.

"Are these yours?"

Minseok is looking at the blood on the ground now. Baekhyun is confused until Minseok reaches to pick up a handful of petals from the floor, pinching it in his fingers. His eyes meet Minseok's, the older's pain evident on his face.

Baekhyun's vision swims, but he reaches to hold Minseok's face. His brows are furrowed, but Baekhyun smiles because his frowns are always so cute.

  
  
  



	9. Bloom

  
  


"I'm sorry I forgot, hyung. Happy birthday," Baekhyun tells him.

It leaves a red stain when his hand falls to the floor and he goes still. He's still warm, but he's so quiet- Baekhyun is hardly quiet. Minseok shakes him, protocol out the window. This was Baekhyun- and he- 

His chest aches and he screams, screaming and screaming until he goes hoarse. "Baekhyun!" he sobs over his friend's body. The rocking doesn't help, and it still hasn't sunk in. He chances a look at his face, and on it, the faintest smile, lips stained red and blood dried and flaking. Minseok clings to him unable to think, unable to breathe, anything. He has to do something he has to-

He picks up his phone to dial an ambulance, trying to hold Baekhyun upright while he does. He's shaking, shaking, he can't be- Baekhyun can't be-

He drops his phone as he chokes, coughing but still holding on to Baekhyun. 

His eyes widen as he goes still,

in his hand,

a petal,

of a scarlet hue.

 

_하나 둘_  
_꽃 못 했어_  
_꽃잎 후 꽃잎_  
_꽃들이 떨어지는대로_  
_나를 사랑해_  
_날 사랑 하지마._

 

**_One, two_**  
_**I count the flowers [The flowers]**_  
_**Petal by petal [Petals after petals]**_  
_**They fall [As the flowers fall]**_  
_**Love me,**_  
_**Love me not.**_

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poems in order of use:
> 
> Azaleas-Kim So Wol (진달래꽃 김소월)  
> The Self-portrait- Seo Jung Ju (자화상/서정주)  
> Beside a Chrysanthemum- Seo Jeong Ju (국화 옆에서/서정주)  
> The Word of the Wind- Mah Jong Gi (바람의 말 /마종기)  
> An Unexpected Briskness- Lee Seong Bu (어느 사이 속보速步가 되어)  
> Flowers beyond Borders- Noh Hyang Rim (꽃들은 경계를 넘어간다/ 노향림)  
> Flowers That Bloom When Shaken- Do Jong Hwan (흔들리며 피는 꽃/도종환)  
> Winter. Snow. Tree. Forest- Ki Hyung Do (겨울·눈(雪)·나무·숲/기형도)  
> Submission- Han Yong Un (복종/한 용운)  
> Flower- Kim Chun Su (꽃/김 춘수)  
> Flowers- Chung Ho Seung(꽃/ 정호승)
> 
> (Poems were edited)
> 
> You can come yell at me [here](https://malaikahao3.tumblr.com) if needed.


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